Slanderous Minneapolis

Hiatus

2005-10-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

We apologize for our sudden absence from our daily sass. Our "real life" has become extremely busy and we have chosen to put the blog on hold rather than post crap that we're not proud of. We will return in December for our one-year anniversary. In the meantime, please peruse our archives, CJ, and MN Speak for your gossip needs. We are very sorry.

Love,
Slanderous Minneapolis

October 4, 2005

2005-10-04T09:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Due to a busy schedule, Slanderous Minneapolis will be on a brief fall hiatus this week. Please enjoy the last days of warm weather and join us next week.

Love,

Slanderous Minneapolis

September 30, 2005

2005-09-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

Last night, we had drinks with a local traffic reporter (like the old Judith Miller, we will not reveal our source). We blew our entire stipend for the month on getting this person trashed, just to get hot gossip for all of you. Where does this stipend come from, you ask? Why, Don Shelby of course. Notice we never write anything bad about him... That's not a coincidence (and Don, if you have a chance, we still need our mileage reimbursed from that pashmina shawl we bought yesterday- thanks!).

Anyway, after about five Summits, this traffic reporter began reporting on more than just the conditions of 35W. In fact, they let us in on a little secret: they are having a wild affair with Rick Kupchella. Our source revealed that they often made up fake traffic reports to ensure clearer roadways so that these lovers could rendevous, often under bridges in the vicinity of Highway 100 and 394.

Our source also revealed that Amelia Santaniello is a very bad driver and has run over five dogs in the month of September alone. For shame!

So, if you see this source around town, offer them some liquor and report back on whether or not you get any dirt.

September 28, 2005

2005-09-28T08:47:00.000-05:00

Slander Patrol

Today's edition of Slander Patrol investigates the news team over at Kare 11.

KARE 11

We have found two separate Julie Nelson's in the MN Criminals database. One was arrested for Unemployment Benefits-Offenses and one for forgery. We're not saying that either of these are KARE's Julie Nelson for sure, but if we were you, we wouldn't be taking any checks from her.

Again, we're not guaranteeing that this is the Eric Perkins, but we found an Eric Perkins who was convicted of a 4th degree drug charge, which in the State of Minnesota, means the sale of cocaine. We knew that this guy seemed wayyyyy to hyper.

September 23, 2005

2005-09-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

Slander, libel, etc. to follow:

* During Wednesday night's storm, Star Tribune gossip columnist CJ was seen prancing around outside in a Burberry raincoat, stealing small dogs from people's front lawns.

* The entire cast of Northwest Community Television's "Christ for the World Ministries" does not, in fact, believe in Christ. Rather, they choose to worship a more powerful god, known as "meth."

* Vikings' coach Mike Tice is such a douchebag that he actually sleeps with a piece of astro-turf underneath his pillow at night. His wife sleeps with a handgun under hers.

* KARE 11's Julie Nelson was seen at Red Stone groping Kirby Puckett in a bathroom stall. For shame!!

September 22, 2005

2005-09-22T08:54:00.000-05:00

Given that the majority of our readership is without power right now, we feel it would be wise not to post. We hope that everybody is okay.

Love,
Slanderous Minneapolis

Septemeber 21, 2005

2005-09-21T09:40:00.000-05:00

Hotdish Fiesta

In honor of Mexican Independence Day, which took place on September 16th, we have decided to give you a special spicy hotdish. Its not very authentic, but really, what is in Minnesota?

Mexican Hotdish

- 3 to 4 cups cooked diced chicken
- 16 ounces shredded or cubed Velveeta
- 2 cans cream of chicken soup
- 1 can diced tomatoes and green chilies, undrained
- 1 cup chopped onion
- 1 small can mild green chile peppers (exclude if you are from outside the Twin Cities as the spice may kill you and others)
- 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt- 1/4 teaspoon pepper
- 1 package Doritos or other trashy nacho snack chip

In a large bowl, combine chicken, cheese, soup, tomatoes, green chiles, onion, and seasonings; mix well. Crush chips and mix all but one cup into the mixture. Spoon into hotdish pan and top with remaining Doritos. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until your kitchen starts to smell like Chi-Chi's. Invite your pastor over and start doing tequila shots, because you're in for a heck of a fiesta.

September 20, 2005

2005-09-20T09:49:00.000-05:00

Slander Patrol

Today, we begin a brand new segment called Slander Patrol. A recent MN Speak piece announced that there is a new database of public records called mncriminals.com. Inspired, we have decided to run local news teams through the database to see who's a criminal. Today we present:

WCCO

Alas, the only "criminal" we could find from the entire news team was Bill Carlson, and we're not even positive about that one. There are three William Carlsons in the database that fit Bill’s perceived age-range. All have been pulled over for DWIs, two of which were arrested for refusing to submit to testing. One of these winners was even arrested for driving without a license and for domestic assault. We’re keeping an eye on you, Bill!

DeRusha, frankly we're surprised. No drug busts? No prostitution rings? Where's your street cred?

We expect to find more dirt with the Fox 9 team...

September 16, 2005

2005-09-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

This is sort of a strange Slander Edition Friday. Normally we would make up random things about local news anchors, but today we thought it was important to address some recent correspondence we have received from fans. We received the following fan letter two days ago:

To: Slanderous Minneapolis
From: A Random Douchebag
Subject: Let's Clean Up the Language

I find your website somewhat amusing, but let's do without the profanity. It is totally unnecessary and is a sign of ignorance. You won't see any of that on Jason DeRusha's blog. I love the guy. How about a scoop on Esme (a.k.a. Little Miss No Personality) on WCCO--their black magic marker eyebrow queen?

This particular letter came from a fan who's e-mail address contained the name of one of those Internet pyramid scheme companies. Apparently, this person has enough time on their hands "working from home" and making "$3,000 a week" that they have assessed the occasional swearing on this site and deemed it as "ignorant."

It's funny how the world works, because we happened upon this e-mail in our inbox as well:

To: Slanderous Minneapolis
From: Esme Murphy
Subject: I Fucking Love Your Fucking Website!!!

Hey your website is the fucking bomb. I love it when you make fun of KSTP becuz there newsteem is retarded and r a bunch of assholes that can kiss my ass. i love derusha's blog but i like yours because you swear and are totally sasssy and bithcy and fucking great. STay tight homey.

Love,
Esme

So there you have it, random douchebag. The scoop on Esme Murphy is that she loves swearing and loves our blog. Case closed.

September 14, 2005

2005-09-14T08:45:00.000-05:00

KSTP Lowdown

We are forgoing hotdish today for some hot gossip. One of our operatives, entranced with the Tornado Alley display in the KSTP booth at the State Fair, hung around the staff there so much that she was able to give us all the dirty laundry on the Channel 5 News Team.

"Kristin Stinar is a bitch who chews out employees right in front of 'fans' about how unacceptable the conditions of the autograph signing sessions are, as if she is a 'real' celebrity."

"Cyndy Brucato also has a bad case of the divas. At the Fair, she refused to come out of her trailer until right before the news started, and then went straight back there after it was done, refusing to mingle with 'fans.' Also, she needs to lay off the tanning, as she is starting to resemble turkey jerky."

"Patrick Hammer is a nice guy whose personality resembles that of a TGI Fridays waiter. He calls everybody 'buddy' and always seems to have a craving for mozzy sticks."

"Nobody knows what happened to weatherman Jim Guy, but Rusty Gatenby always talks about how much he misses him."

"Joe Schmit reads at about a 1st grade level. Everybody on staff is pissed that he moved up from sports to become a real anchor because the guy is so stupid."

Excellent! This is the shit we thrive on!

September 13, 2005

2005-09-13T08:25:00.000-05:00

Addressing Some Issues

Before starting off another slanderous week, we thought we'd use today's post to address some current issues:

First off, we're normally not the type of blog that feeds off links, but this is too good. Please read what Keillor is putting our blogging brother (MN Speak) through and please show your support for him. Without the right to parody, we would surely die here at Slanderous Minneapolis. We're just glad that we didn't make the following tee shirts as we had orginally planned:

Champp's is for Trampps
Rebecca's Garden Grows Pot
Hard Times Cafe Sells Hard Drugs
Paul Douglas is Gay

Those cease-and-desists can get nasty. Fight it, Rex! We support you!

Also, we don't normally feel the need to respond to comments people leave on here, but this one is beyond ridiculous. We in no way hate Dave Dahl or wish him any harm so Mr. Dahl, you can stop leaving us comments threatening to cut us or kick our asses. We're lovers, not fighters. We seriously wish for nothing more than to cuddle up with Dave in front of the warm glow of a nightly weather forcast. Also, the fake tornado at the State Fair was cool! After seeing the devastating effects that storms can do in the recent aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, it was awesome to be able to experience a tornado while eating a Pronto Pup and being able to buy a KSTP water bottle afterwards. Brilliant, Mr. Dahl. Let's be friends again.

September 9, 2005

2005-09-09T08:52:00.000-05:00

State Fair Recap

Here comes the much anticipated recap of our trip to the Great Minnesota Get Together last Saturday. What better than to do some photo blogging?

Naturally, we began the day with a bag of mini-donuts and a trip to the Fox 9 booth to do blow with Robyne Robinson. We were surprised that she was up that early, but Passolt informed us that every year at the Fair, Robyne tweaks out for days at a time and spends her excess energy scrubbing the booth with a toothbrush. Very impressive. Maybe she should run the Tilt-O-Whirl?

Next was a trip to the KSTP booth. Despite the fact that we knew somebody on the "inside," this was as close as we got to meeting Dave Dahl. But seriously, after 3 pitchers of 3.2 beer at 9AM, the cardboard cut-out was just as exciting.

After 2 more pitchers of Miller Lite, we went to Empire Commons to cry over the fact that perfectly good butter was being wasted on sculpting farm girls.

In Empire Commons, we stumbled upon this picture of our grandmother in her prime. We want royalties, State Fair! That picture is copyrighted!!

This is where butter comes from.

We witnessed a very unnecessary publicity stunt: Minnesota Twin Lew Ford making guacamole at the Tejas stand. Although we were annoyed by the crowds of people, we wanted that sweet, sweet guac and to pat Lew on the butt.

Exactly the type of people you'd expect at the Mark Kennedy booth. Honestly, we would have been disappointed if we didn't see a flame shirt from a gas station.

If CNN needs some file footage for their next story on obesity, we've got enough for a fucking documentary.

And finally, what would the Fair be without seed art?

And so ends another summer and another State Fair... We'll catch you next week with more slander, more hotdish, and more nonsense.

September 7, 2005

2005-09-07T07:46:00.000-05:00

Celebrity Sighting

We had been planning on giving you our State Fair lowdown, but this is too important. A reader writes:

Sunday afternoon I went to Kowalskis (in Uptown) and saw Hartnett (yawn) with mother fucking Scarlett Johannson. I stood next to him and made sure he'd check me out (he did look over, but it may have been because of my extreme height, hopefully it was my short shorts). After getting rung up, I walked back to produce to make SURE it was her and it was. Not very stylish by the way, but very happy. sort of smiling to herself, REALLY enjoying the grocery store, and throwing some skips in her step, seriously.

Like a true loser, I walked ahead of them and got into my car, then followed them out in their Toyota Hybrid. Followed
them for a few turns then suddenly felt really guilty and left them be. She's short.

WOOH! Real celebrity gossip!!!

September 2, 2005

2005-09-02T09:07:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY: At the Fair

Welcome to a very special State Fair themed Slander Edition Friday. We will remind you that the Fair is down to its last few days; get your ass out there or you risk missing your late-summer trans-fat gorge and perhaps will miss meeting the carnie of your dreams. Which reminds us of a Totally Legitimate Interview we did... Anyway, let's get this libel started!

* According to KSTP booth workers, Joe Schmit is basically illiterate. This is something that is easily hidden in the studio with the use of an earpiece, but is not so easily hidden at the State Fair. After Schmit misread the word "Pronto Pup" off the teleprompter for the tenth time, a KSTP producer was reported to have head directly to the beer garden to drown her sorrows in 3.2 Grain Belt.

* Star Tribune gossip columnist CJ is reportedly on a diet, but was seen last night being escorted out of the Dairy Building, apparently for licking one of the butter sculptures. For shame!

* For an undercover investigation, WCCO's Jason DeRusha is posing as a carnie. The scoop is, he likes it so much that he's thinking of dressing like a carnie on-air for the rest of the year.

* Although it is rumored that Fancy Ray has left Mpls for bigger and better things, he was seen at the Fair last night rubbing cheese curds all over his body on Machinery Hill.

We will give a full Fair report next week. Until then, happy Labor Day!

September 1, 2005

2005-09-01T09:06:00.000-05:00

A Sack Full of Sorries

We here at Slanderous Minneapolis would like to wish Dave Dahl a safe and speedy recovery from his rumored motorcycle accident. We will accept part of the blame... It seems that after writing a story about riding hogs and canoodling with a certain rival weatherman, Dave wanted to impress us. Dave, we are so sorry for any problems we may have caused you. You see, almost everything on this site is complete bullshit. We didn't mean to imply that we liked weathermen, motorcycles, or dried beef (however, we honestly do love the Hexagon Bar).

Anyway, we are sorry that our bullshitting has caused a serious accident. If we see Dave at the Fair, we will make a peace offering of mini donuts and a make-out session in Ye Olde Mill.

August 31, 2005

2005-08-31T14:10:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown!

Given that the State Fair is happening as we speak, we feel that it would be a disservice to encourage anybody to cook. For our non-Minnesota readers, we will clue you in to a lesser-known fact about our fair state: hotdish is the official food of Minnesota, except throughout the duration of the State Fair, at which point the official food becomes anything you can deep-fry on a stick and wash down with a bottomless cup of root beer flavored milk. We wish we were making this up.

Oh, who are we kidding? We LIVE for deep-fried goodies at the State Fair, after last-call at the bar, on Tuesday nights, etc., etc. We know that you think of the Slanderizer as a trim, well-dressed, hot person but in actuality, we are morbidly obese, permenantly Zubazed, and always seem to have hot grease dripping down our chin. In other words, we blend into the Fair crowds perfectly. See ya there!

August 24, 2005

2005-08-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown!

Taking a break from Peabo, let's get back to our roots. We're sure that you have plenty of end-of-summer picnics coming up, so we will do you the favor of bringing you a bullshit bar recipe:

Bullshit Bars

Pick a store-bought cookie (Oreos, Soft Batch, etc.) and crush it
Pick a topping (chocolate chips, nuts, etc.)
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
1 1/2 cups shredded coconut
1 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk

Melt butter in oven in a 13x9 inch baking pan. Sprinkle with 1 1/2 cups of crushed cookies and the coconut. Pour condensed milk over the mixture, then spread 2 cups of courser cookies and 1 cup of toppings over that. Bake 25-30 minutes at 350 degrees. Bring to the picnic and be glad that you didn't waste your time making another fucking hotdish.

August 23, 2005

2005-08-23T09:54:00.000-05:00

A Slice of Peabo

Its been awhile since we've hated on CJ and since we've got nothing else going on, we thought we'd do some of that. In her column today, CJ reviews the red carpet at the D-List celebrity charity function, The Starkey Hearing Foundation Annual Awards Gala. OMG! What was Donny Osmand wearing? What is Steve Guttenberg really like? Thank God that we have CJ to let us know!

All sarcasm aside, she mentions at the end of her article that Peebo Bryson (sic) was a featured performer at the Gala. This reminds us of a story...

For some reason, Peabo comes to town often to perform at crappy fundraisers. During one of these visits a few years ago, he purchased a pair of pants from one of our good friends, who was working at a high-end department store in downtown Minneapolis. This store had a strict policy against same-day alterations, especially same-day requests that came in in the late afternoon. Peabo purchased said pair of pants around 5pm, and then began demanding same-day alterations. Our friend, having no idea who this guy was (Aaron Neville? Michael Bolton? David Benoit?) kindly explained the alteration policy and after much diva behavior, Peabo finally backed down and agreed to pick them up the next morning. The BEST part of this story:

Our Friend: And what is your name?

Peabo: PEABO. Peabo Bryson!

Upset that not only did he have to wait for his pants but that his star power was non-apparent to a twenty-something gay male, Peabo huffed off. After he left, our friend was approached by many of his co-workers who asked "Didn't you know that was Peabo Bryson?" to which our friend replied "Yeah, who the fuck is that?"

Don't you love how the only story we've ever done about a "real" celebrity is nearly 4 years old? That's our crazy Slanderous flava.

August 18, 2005

2005-08-18T10:07:00.000-05:00

A Week in a Day!

Yes, we’ve been slacking this week. Please accept our sincere apologies (and please stop posting links to Christian tee shirts in the comments section, douchebags). We will try to make it up to you today by combining a week’s worth of fun into one post. Please note that the following may be considered libel.

Mike Fairbourne on the Prowl

Last weekend, we decided that we had earned a night out on the town, so our entire staff got gussied up in our finest clothes and headed out to party.

As you can see, we’re having a leather vest phase…

Our first stop was the Hexagon Bar, where we proceeded to down shots of Jack and play the Claw Machine in a vain attempt to win stuffed animals (our intern got so in debt playing this that he had to do some crazy shit later to get some cash, but that’s another story). All of a sudden, a pitcher of Premium appeared on our table. Where could this delicious gift have come from? My eyes (I, the main writer, am pictured on the bike) locked across the bar with none other than WCCO’s Mike Fairbourne. Normally I have a thing for field reporters, but there was something about this weather man who brought a warm-front to my loins. Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it was his Dockers, but something magical happened in that moment. I slammed a beer and waited for him to approach, but by the time I was finished, it was too late: Fairbourne had begun flirting with Ned Luddington, of the blog Minneapolis Confidential.

Normally I would have backed down and accepted defeat, but this was different. Leaving my co-writers briefly behind, I took a cab home and whipped up the following hotdish:

Chicken and Dried Beef

6-8 boneless chicken breasts
1 can dried beef
½ lb. bacon
2 cans cream of chicken soup

Wrap chicken breasts in bacon, then layer in a shallow dish like a lasagna, putting dried beef on bottom, then chicken breasts, then cream of mushroom soup. Bake at 375 degrees for about an hour until chicken is thoroughly cooked.

I rushed the hotdish back to the Hexagon, but it was too late. Fairbourne had left, leaving me with a bunch of drunk bloggers and a hotdish, which was consumed within minutes despite the lack of silverware at our table.

Our faces dripping in cream of chicken soup, we stumbled out of the bar. But guess what we discovered? Fairbourne waiting for us in an SUV limo! He whisked us away to his Eden Prairie estate where we spent the remainder of the evening partying in his hot tub, drinking his boxed wine, and watching TIVOed weather reports from the last six months. I, of course, got my canoodling in, and all in all, it turned out to be a pleasant evening. Thanks, Mikey!

August 16, 2005

2005-08-16T08:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Gentle Readers,

Our gerbil, Slanderkins, just had 15 babies and we have been busy knitting sweaters for each of them, which has brought on a wicked case of Carpal Tunnel. Postings may be a bit scarce this week, but we promise to bring you something. Good night and God bless.

Love,
Slanderous Minneapolis

August 12, 2005

2005-08-12T07:07:00.000-05:00

Celebrity Sighting

We are forgoing this week's SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY to bring you something that we haven't had around here in quite awhile: REAL GOSSIP from a reader:

Just thought I would pass on a sighting that I had Monday night-- DICK ENRICO of 2nd Wind Exercise Equipment was enjoying an x-large Blizzard at the DQ Grill and Chill on Excelsior in St. Louis Park. He was fully immersed in the Blizzard, which he devoured at rapid speed. His face really is THAT red, BTW. Though he was enjoying a wholly American pastime, he looked less than happy as he sat solo in his booth. We were most interested in getting updates on his metro-sexual bachelor son, Rick (from The Bachelorette). Anyways, a definite *star* sighting.

Thank you, gentle reader! You know what this means? Dick is out in the wild! Everybody, please keep your eyes peeled for sightings of him consuming more food around town and report back!

August 10, 2005

2005-08-10T08:30:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

If you're anything like us, you have a relative in the family who has a garden going crazy right now, leaving you with more veggies than you know what to do with. Here is our solution:

Stuffed Eggplant

3 eggplants
1 large zucchini
1 onion
1 tomato
fresh basil
salt, pepper, and garlic to taste
olive oil
mozzerella and parmesean cheese
breadcrumbs

Cut eggplants and zucchini in half and cover with olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic. Roast in oven at 375 degrees for around 30 minutes (until soft). Remove from oven and put aside to cool. Chop up other veggies and sautee in olive oil for around 10 minutes. Scoop out eggplants, leaving skin in tact. Scoop out zucchini as well, but throw the skin away (we found that these don't work well for stuffing). Chop up eggplant and zucchini, then combine with sauteed veggies. Fill empty eggplant skins with vegetable mixture and sprinkle with breadcrumbs and cheese. Bake for around 20 minutes at 375 degrees.

August 9, 2005

2005-08-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

Slanderous Cities Awards!

You people have spoken and the results are in! Behold the First Annual Slanderous Cities awards!

* Best Place to Drink Cheaply:

TIE: Liquor Lyle's and Grumpy's Northeast

Best Answer: Under bridge

* Lamest Happy Hour:

Liquor Lyle's: 2 for 1's are half the size of normal drinks

Best Answer: Sex with Cousin

Best Place to Pick Up Very Drunk Girls:

Brothers

Best Answer: Wayzata High School

* Best Place For White Dudes with an Asian-Fetish to Pick Up Ladies:

Various Places on Eat Street

Best Answer: Online, Posing as Asian Dudes

* Best Place to Spot a Hobo:

Green Space on Hennepin & Lyndale before 94/394 exits

Best Answer: KSTP's 10pm News (DeRusha, we know this originated from you!)

* Bar or Restaurant with the Strongest Drinks:

TIE: Red Dragon and Stand-Up Frank's

Best Answer: Wisconsin. All of it.

Worst Local Band:

TIE: Olympic Hopefuls and Mark Mallman

Best Answer: Can it finally be said? Tina and the B-Sides.

Thank you for participating in this historic moment!

August 5, 2005

2005-08-05T09:07:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

For this Slander Edition Friday, we bring you...

THE FABULOUS LIFE OF CYNDY BRUCATO!!

Cyndy begins her day like no normal person. While the rest of us are getting up at the crack of dawn to head off to work, Cyndy doesn't stir until around 10 AM, where she pulls back her satin sheets and then heads downstairs in her Wayzata home, where she is treated to a daily massage from her houseboy, Raoul. After her message and "happy ending," she takes a long relaxing bath in combination of diamonds, caviar, and various Khiel's products. After a quick Botox treatment, she's off to lunch at the exclusive eatery Champp's, where she treats herself to a small salad and 4-7 screwdrivers. Then, she usually passes out in the back of her SUV for the remainder of the afternoon, until Mike Binkley calls to remind her that she has to be at the station at 8 PM. Cyndy usually stumbles into KSTP around 9 PM, then spends an hour in makeup and has a last minute Botox touch-up before she goes on the air. It truly is a Fabulous Life.

That's all for this week. Don't forget to take our survey. We will post the results on Tuesday!

August 4, 2005

2005-08-04T07:35:00.000-05:00

Slanderazzi!

Another exclusive photo from our downtown St. Paul series. We caught Lisa Johnson of Woodbury canoodling with an unidentified male. This shot was taken right after they groped heavily in the red car behind them. Lisa may be rich and famous, but apparently morals don't come with that package... Perhaps we should let her husband know about her little escapades? FOR SHAME!

August 3, 2005

2005-08-03T08:47:00.000-05:00

Sorry, no post today. Please continue to contribute to our survey. Thank you.

August 2, 2005

2005-08-02T10:56:00.000-05:00

Slanderous Cities!

We thought that we'd be like one of those "real" Minneapolis publications and give out some best-of awards. You will have one week to vote, and the results will be posted next Tuesday. Let's begin!

Click here to take survey

July 29, 2005

2005-07-29T09:40:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

Bring on the libel!!

* KSTP's Cyndy Brucato was recently seen dining at Chino Latino, where she drank 4 mojitos, 3 Amstel Lights, and multiple shots of tequila. She snuggled up to local scenester Joe Werner, lead singer of the Bridge Club. She snuck out halfway through their canoodling, sticking him with the bill. Youch!

* City Pages writer Mike Mosedale is apparently making some "freelance" cash on the side: as a pimp.

* The cast of the disappointing play The Awesome 80's Prom is so depressed with their poor reviews, that they have taken to doing tons of cocaine. That's so 80's!

July 28, 2005

2005-07-28T15:02:00.000-05:00

Hotdish Hoedown

Slightly delayed, but we know that you need your hotdish fix. We will credit our grandmother for this recipe:

Tuna Hotdish

1 can tuna
1 can cream of mushroom soup or cream of asparagus soup
1 chopped onion slightly precooked
3 cups or so of cooked macaroni
green beans (optional)
garlic powder
celery salt
any leftover cheese you have

Mix all ingredients together in baking pan. Cook in 350 degree oven for 45 minutes. Delicious.

July 27, 2005

2005-07-27T08:27:00.000-05:00

We are postponing our weekly hotdish recipe to inform you that Slanderous Minneapolis has officially sold out. That's right: we're selling ads. If you want to sponsor this site and contribute to our Black Label budget, just take the link in the sidebar. Pretty please?

July 26, 2005

2005-07-26T09:14:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

After making him the butt of several jokes a couple of weeks ago, WCCO's Rick Fuentes was a good enough sport to submit to a Totally Legitimate Interview.

SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

Fuentes: No, definitely not. I can't even get a patio seat at the Chatterbox.

SM: If you weren't popular for being a news reporter, what would you like to be known for instead?

Fuentes: I didn't know I was popular.

SM: If Jason DeRusha had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

Fuentes: What's the infatuation with Jason DeRusha? Oh, I get it. He is popular.

SM: What is the strangest story you've reported for WCCO?

Fuentes: I seem to do a lot of stories about poop. People, geese, dogs...I'm the number one reporter about ol' number two.

SM: What do you secretly wish you could report on, but that might embarass you in front of The Shelb?

Fuentes: The Shelb? You mean "the Don?" Don embarrasses me no matter what I report on. He always knows more than I do.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

Fuentes: Find somebody who's actually famous.

Rick, please note that due to your depressing answers, we are encouraging 'CCO to do some sort of happy-intervention with you. Buck up!

July 22, 2005

2005-07-22T09:15:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

Another slanderous end to another slanderous week.

* Belinda Jensen is so upset about the new MN Speak shirt pictured above, that she has taken to sitting outside of MN Speak headquarters with a hockey mask and a baseball bat. That being said, we here at Slanderous Minneapolis encourage everybody to purchase one. They can be found here.

* WCCO's Pat Kessler was seen at The Local in downtown Minneapolis drinking heavily at the bar. Although this statement normally wouldn't be unusual, we offer this twist: he was drinking gravy.

* Josh Hartnett's career is apparently dead enough right now that if you look very closely, you'll see him pictured in the back of a National American University commercial.

* Speaking of dead, MN State Fair Pickle Contest Winner Genevieve Span has been dead for five years and unbeknownst to her, the Gedney Corporation has been selling her pickle recipe without giving her royalties. For shame!!!

Have a happy weekend.

July 21, 2005

2005-07-21T09:12:00.000-05:00

Slanderazzi!

For today's edition of Slanderazzi, we obtained a photo of Bob and Nancy Kochever of Eagan:

We caught Bob and Nancy in downtown St Paul right after they finished dining at the exclusive restaurant Quizno's. One of our operatives attempted to get an autograph from Nancy, but she got all diva on him and threw her Diet Pepsi in his face, then proceeded to demand a private dining room from the Quizno's manager. A Slanderous warning: if approaching Bob & Nancy Kochever, use extreme caution, since the level of bitchitude is extremely high.

July 20, 2005

2005-07-20T09:12:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

Another Wednesday, another hotdish. We have decided to dedicate this one to Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts. Who needs the right to choice when you have such a fucking delicious hotdish?

Roberts Hotdish

- 8 potatoes - peeled and sliced thin
- 4 carrots, sliced thin
- 1 pound ground beef
- 2 cans condensed tomato soup

Cook the ground beef, then mix with the carrots and potatoes. Place in a baking dish and spread tomato soup on top. Sprinkle with fritos, then cover and bake at 375 degrees for 60-75 minutes. Crack open the Bible and get ready for some good eatin'!

July 19, 2005

2005-07-19T09:57:00.000-05:00

Slanderazzi

We've been hitting the streets again and found this exclusive photo of Mary Johnson from Inver Grove Heights:

Celebrities are just like US! Here, Mary is shown casually dressed in a pink blazer from TJ Maxx and cowboy hat from the Hat Barn in Wisconsin Dells. She was taking a brief rest from shopping at the IDS Center. You saw it here first!!

June 15, 2005

2005-07-15T09:03:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY

After a long week of work, what's more refreshing than a heaping plate of slander? If you find something, let us know! In the meantime, we offer you the following:

* WCCO's Rick Fuentes got more than an undercover story when he exposed Medina's rave scene 5 years ago: he got a steady drug hook-up from this guy:

Fuentes's dealer shows up like clockwork at the back door of 'CCO on Thursdays at 9:13 PM. He shirtlessly delivers $50 worth of Special K. The bigger secret is that Special K hasn't been manufactured since Pure Trance, Vol. 2 came out. So, much like how Folgers sometimes switches people's regular coffee with Folger's crystals, Rick's dealer has switched his usual Special K with crystal meth.

* Belinda Jensen also receives a peculiar weekly delivery as well: 7 gallons of cherry Kool-Aid. Nobody really knows why.

* Despite the fact that he is old enough to be her grandfather, Sid Hartman has been seen canoodling with Lindsay Lohan at the Block E Applebee's. For shame.

And so ends our week of picking on Rick Fuentes. Seriously, Rick, let's be friends again. Have a great weekend!!

July 14, 2005

2005-07-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

Slanderazzi

After we published that undercover photo of WCCO's Rick Fuentes on Tuesday, we've had overwhelming requests to publish the following photo of Fuentes:

Apparently back in the year 2000, Fuentes and the WCCO team went to a rave in Medina to do an undercover investigation about kids doing drugs. Does this remind anybody else of that episode of Reno 911 where the cops dressed up in ridiculous outfits to go "undercover" to Burning Man? The bigger question is: who the hell sold drugs to RICK FUENTES? If you're out there, we want to know.

Tune in tomorrow for SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY!

July 13, 2005

2005-07-13T08:40:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

It is too damn hot outside to be offering any hotdish recipes, so today we decided to keep it simple and cold. We will have to credit our grandfather with this salad, but will re-title it so that it sounds jazzier.

Slanderous Salad

3 cucumbers, sliced and halved
1/2 lb green grapes, halved
balsamic vinegar

Mix cucumbers and grapes together, add balsamic to taste and chill to ensure proper blending of flavors. Pour yourself a vodka tonic and camp out by the AC.

July 12, 2005

2005-07-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

Slanderazzi

Welcome to another week and another important moment in Slanderous Minneapolis history. Today we unveil a new segment, called "Slanderazzi." That's right, we've hit the street in order to find celebrities in their natural habitat. A reader with a keen eye sent in this picture of WCCO's Rick Fuentes (side note: if you do a Google search of his name and drop the "s" in Fuentes, you get links to a porn star. Coincidence??).

Apparently, Rick is unhappy with his WCCO wages and has taken to begging with the sign "Single Dad, Short on Rent." And he thought that the Oakleys would fool us. For shame. So, next time you see Rick on the street, give him some spare change and some tips on journalistic integrity.

If you have celebrity snapshots, send them our way: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

And if you're a celebrity, beware of the Slanderazzi.

July 8, 2005

2005-07-08T07:11:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday: Prairiehome Style

Yes, its time for another slandericious round of libel about your favorite Minneapolis stars...This week, we've focused on the delicate relationship between the influx of real stars who are here filming at the Fitzgerald and our already existing Minneapolis names. Let's see what happens!

* Star Tribune gossip columnist CJ is so pissed that Lindsay Lohan is acting like a brat while she's in town, that she has taken to camping out outside of the Fitzgerald "just to give that bitch a piece of [her] mind."

* Paul Magers is very excited about Woody Harrelson being in town. Last night, they smoked a bowl and ate an entire can of Pringles!! No way, dude!

* KSTP's Cyndy Brucato is pissed about real stars taking away her star power. She has paid out of her own pocket to have her billboards extend their run and is even in negotiations to have one installed right outside of Meryl Streep's trailer.

* Have you heard that Lily Tomlin is having a steamy affair with none other than the Star Tribune's Joe Kimball. He is such a slut! And yes, we meant to say "he."

* And we all know where Lohan is getting her local cocaine from, don't we? Amelia Santaniello. As if we had to tell you.

And so ends another week. Have a good weekend, dudes!

July 7, 2005

2005-07-06T21:08:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger

Today, we received some help from a guest blogger, notably our pal over at AdminWorm. He was somehow able to obtain an exclusive "speech" from none other than Garrison Keillor.

Greetings, and thank you for joining me at this celebration commemorating completion of the first day’s shooting of the Prairie Home Companion movie. (applause) As a great man once said—okay, it was me (laughter)—the difference between an homage and satire is the I.Q. of those portrayed. With that in mind, thank you for participating in this homage to Minnesotans! (raucous laughter and applause) Just kidding, of course. I can think of several reasons why I’m eternally grateful to the citizens of this fine state. Several million reasons, to be exact, and they’re all in a vault in Switzerland! (laughter, glasses clinking)

I trust the foie gras is to your liking. (murmurs of approval) That’s genuine, Minnesota force-fed goose, I’ll have you know. My cook, Esmeralda, bless her heart, balked a little at providing pate for 120 people. As usual, however, reason prevailed. I simply told her of an impending IRS audit, and darned if I seem to have lost my copy of her Green Card. (laughter)

Much as the livers of 1,000 noble geese burst from compulsory over-indulgence, so to am I bursting with pride at this opportunity to help the state of Minnesota in its seemingly endless and thus far fruitless quest for relevance. I firmly believe that one day in the not-so-distant future, Minnesota will no longer be referred to as flyover land. (scattered applause) Unfortunately, I fear this will only occur after rampant urban sprawl renders Minneapolis and St. Paul suburbs of Chicago. (howls, laughter, stomping of feet)

Are there any rubes here? (shouts of “no” and “yes” and “What’s a rube?”) If so, I’ll explain my jokes as I go along, just in case a rube wandered in unawares, mistaking this for a rest area. (laughter) I don’t hear banjo music though, so I think we’re thus far rube-free, thanks to new Rube-B-Gone with DEET. (laughter) Whenever I encounter a genuine rube—usually while signing autographs after the radio show—I like to tell them my favorite rube joke: what’s the best way to insult a rube without them realizing it? Use polysyllabic words! (huge laughs) While they’re still scratching their heads, I’m home safely ensconced on the chaise lounge, sipping my third Scotch. (guffaws, snickers)

Such cinematic luminaries among us. Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin, who need a hit more than the Minnesota Twins (boos, hisses). Just kidding, folks: it’s satire, remember? Woody Harrelson—Woody Harrelson? Who in the world cast him? (laughter) Well, at least no one will suffer glaucoma symptoms for the duration of the shoot (hoots, catcalls, toking sounds). And of course, Director Robert Altman who, like me, enjoys a love/hate relationship with the Proletariat: hate them, love their money! (gales of laughter)

Excitement about this project was such that of everyone I asked to appear in the film, only two were ultimately unable to appear. Sadly, I refer to Lindsay Lohan’s bosoms. (laughter) Young Ms. Lohan, here’s the sad truth. I didn’t cast you because I sensed your acting potential in Herbie: Fully Loaded. I cast you because that once-heaving bosom of yours was the only shot we had at getting folks under 55 to see this movie. (laughter, wolf whistles) Immerse yourself in the role, dear: while you’re in Minnesota, surreptitiously attend a Lutheran potluck, or two, or twelve. Just eat something, for the love of Pete! This is the Prairie Home Companion movie, not Schindler’s List II! (laughter and applause)

Finally, I’d like to leave you with a limerick. I can’t move my bowels in the morning without creating a limerick, but for whatever reason Minnesotans rank them up there with the works of Sandburg and Yates:

There once was a group of elites,
Needed rubes to fill theater seats,
So they lured them hence,
To the theatres, whence,
They fleeced them with nary a bleat.

See you in the morning! (applause)

Thank you so much for your submission, Mr. Guest Blogger. Join us tomorrow for some pure, raw slander, just the way you like it.

July 6, 2005

2005-07-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

Yo, check it!

Beef and Noodle Hotdish

1 lb ground beef or ground beef substitute
2 cups elbow macaroni
4 cups spaghetti sauce
12 oz Velveeta or an equally crappy processed cheese

Brown the beef until it is salmonella-free. Cook macaroni as well. Layer macaroni, beef, sauce, and cheese as though it was a white-trash lasagna. Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes until cheese is brown and bubbly on top. Enjoy!

Join us tomorrow for some brand new slanderous fun.

July 5, 2005

2005-07-05T06:49:00.000-05:00

Vacation Over

Happy birthday, America, and welcome back, readers. Alas, our vacationing is over and its time to get back to business. Due to the fact that we stayed up too late watching sparkly fireworks last night, there will be no interview today. However, there will be hotdish tomorrow and more fun the rest of the week.

June 24, 2005

2005-06-23T21:31:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

You've waited patiently for a new SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY and we are here to deliver. Embrace the lucious libel:

* KSTP's Joe Schmit was seen at City Billiards last Thursday night, but he was focused on a different kind of eight-ball. Namely, cocaine. By 11pm, he was doing lines right off the pool table. Normally, this sort of behavior would get someone booted from the bar, but Schmit was considered to be "too big of celebrity," so he carried on until approximately 11:30.

* When submitting a recent story for the Pioneer Press, Charley Walters was called into his boss's office... to discuss major editing. He was instructed to stop sharing his views on the gospel through his sports stories.

* Pat Miles is a karaoke champion. She sings at Medina Entertainment Center every Friday evening under the name "Matty Piles." She specializes in Journey.

* Guess what? The main writer for Slanderous Minneapolis will be on vacation next week!

Actually, that last item is true. We will be on vacation all week next week, and thus, not writing anything on the site. We will try to make it up to you. HAVE A GREAT WEEK!!!

June 22, 2005

2005-06-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

This week, we have a guest* helping us out with our hotdish recipe. Enjoy!

Hello, I'm Jeanette Trompeter from WCCO. You may know me as a fantastic on-air personality, but you may not know that I'm also an excellent cook. I decided to share my favorite hotdish with you.

Fried Green Tomato Hotdish

Fried Green Tomatoes
2 cans tomato soup
chedder cheese
Durkee onions

Make fried green tomatoes however you see fit (I coat them in a mixture of flour and eggs, then fry them until golden brown). Layer tomatoes in a hotdish pan as if you were making lasagna: tomatoes, tomato soup, then cheese, and repeat. Top off the dish with shredded cheese and the Durkee onions. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes, checking often to make sure cheese hasn't burned. Invite Don Shelby and the rest of the gang over for a night of hotdish and board games.

Thanks, Jeanette!

* As always, this celebrity contribution may not be real.

June 21, 2005

2005-06-21T10:35:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

Welcome to another edition of our Totally Legitimate Interview segment. Keeping with our theme of "Midwestern Flava," we sat down with James Hamilton, the Project Manager for the Minnesota State Fair Foundation.

SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

JH: Sure, but not on the lines of somebody like Prince or Cindy Brucato -- more like that uncle that always gets drunk at the wedding.

SM: If you weren't popular for working for the State Fair, what would you like to be known for instead?

JH: For being happily unemployed.

SM: If a carnie had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

JH: Wow -- this question hits home for me. Around the 10th or 11th day of the Fair (which, for some carnies, happens to be the 10th or 11th night of sleepless nights spent mostly drinking), a gun-wielding carnie is not totally out of the question. I'd take him to Pizza Hut.

SM: What kind of innovative invention would you like to see in the Grand Stand?

JH: Air-conditioning.

SM: Which State Fair food disgusts you the most?

JH: I'm not going to make any friends saying it, but cheese curds. Who wants to eat deep-fried curd?

SM: If you could have your head carved out of any dairy product, what would it be?

JH: I had the recent opportunity of witnessing the butter carved bust of a Princess Kay of the Milky Way ... From 40 years ago. It stared at me from the deep freeze she dedicated to it. I'd prefer something a little less timeless -- like tubes of Go-Gurt.

SM: Do you think that the State Fair is more about cultural heritage, or do you think that most people come for the food and/or kitsch value?

JH: There's definitely a serious side to the fair. Just like mullets, for all ridiculousness of heads of carved butter, miniature goat competitions and the SPAM recipe contest, there is someone who takes it very seriously.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

JH: How did you find me?

SM: Uh, your name was listed on the State Fair website, dude.

Tomorrow, another hotdish and we promise much more slander than usual this week.

June 17, 2005

2005-06-16T22:36:00.000-05:00

SPECIAL EDITION: Totally Legitimate Interview

We know that you've come to expect delicious slander on Fridays, but we are making an exception this week. We wanted to catch this guy while his star power was still hot, and his Ebay auction was still running. Besides having a hilarious concept, Dan has inspired a link on
Defamer and even a fansite. We decided that he was interview-worthy. You know the drill:

SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

Dan: Well, I’m not a shitty white rapper and there is nothing ‘ironic’ about me, like I’m not a fat greasy
guy who deliberately sings bad R&B so people will think I’m charming and I can have sex with teenage girls; I don’t play any sort of affected lousy synth pop, I’m not Fancy Ray, I don’t walk around wearing a ridiculous costume calling attention to myself like Scott Seekins and the City Pages wouldn’t even talk to me when we were going through an historic union election...So no, I don’t really fit the bill for ‘local celebrity’ and I wouldn’t really want to be associated with all of the insincere drug abusing shitheads who are bestowed with the title of ‘celebrity’ in the Twin Cities. The only cool celebrities from here are Prince, Sean Sherk, Menard’s guy and Chris Mars...And all the members of Bodies Lay Broken.

SM: If you weren't popular for your mad auction skillz, what would you like to be known for instead?

Dan: Did you just say ‘skillz’?

SM: If Mark Cuban had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

Dan: Inside of your mother’s ass?

SM: What is your favorite memory of your time as a Landmark employee?

Dan: Besides beating the living beejesus out of some lousy rich guy in a sweater vest and tassel shoes? Umm, besides that, watching Dogville over and over and over. Oh yeah and this one time this obnoxious drunken lady puked all over these young kids and left the theater without even apologizing to us or the kids; she left her purse, hilarity ensued. The funniest thing was that her campanion tried to say that her tequila reeking vomit was the result of a “medical emergency”. We flipped through the pictures on her digital camera and they were all of her guzzling booze. Also, Vincent Gallo visited us once and showed “Brown Bunny”. Oh, memory, not plural, sorry dude, I don’t have strong reading skillz.

SM: Do you see your experience turning into an "independent" movie at some point?

Dan: They already turned my experience into a movie, it’s called “Bike Messengers 2: Peddling for Ass”.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

Dan: You should’ve gotten Uncle Chunk.

And so ends another week here at Slanderous Minneapolis. Please join us on Tuesday for yet another interview.

June 16, 2005

2005-06-15T22:37:00.000-05:00

My Space Message of the Day

As some of you may or may not know, we have subscribed to the Gen-Y PR technique of creating a My Space profile. Check it out here.

Anyway, we thought that we'd start a new segment, in which we examine messages we've received through this service. This week's message comes from Amber, a 16-year old out of California. Not only does she give us an excellent writing sample, but she gives us an excellent opportunity for a public service announcement. Let's see what she has to say:

Date: Jun 14, 2005 12:40 AM
Subject: No Subject
Body:
DAMMM BOI YOU LOOK GOOD [L.O.L]
BUT 4 REAL U R SEXY AZ HELL BABI BOI !!!!
W/B THOUGH AIIGHT LATA
YOUR GURL

And now our response:

An Open Letter to Amber from My Space:

Dear Amber,

4 REAL. L.O.L. WE ARE NOT A REAL PERSON. THAT PIC THAT YOU THINK IS SO SEXXXY IS FROM A GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH WE DID FOR "GAY PORN." 4 REAL. WE WISH THAT WE LOOKED THAT GOOD (L.O.L.), BUT ALAS, WE ARE A BLOGGER AND NOT A HOT BOI. BY THE WAY, WHY ARE YOU SENDING SCANDALOUS MESSAGES TO OLDER MEN? WATCH YOURSELF, MISSY, OR WE'LL BE WRITING A LIFETIME NETWORK SCREENPLAY ABOUT YOU DISAPPEARING FROM A TRUCKSTOP. SERIOUSLY, HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF. BUT N-E-WAYZ... L.O.L. LATA!

SLANDEROUS MINNEAPOLIS

Sorry to get all serious on you people for a moment, but it actually concerns us that our logo is so sexy that he is tempting young girls away from their virginal innocence. Lock up your daughters. C U 2-MORROW. :)

June 15, 2005

2005-06-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

This week, we're attempting to bring you a (gasp!) gourmet hotdish recipe. If you don't approve, don't worry- we'll get back to the dried beef and bacon bits next week.

Celery and Goat Cheese Hotdish

Butter
1 head of celery, thinly sliced
6 oz soft chevre
4 tbsp half and half
Salt and pepper
Walnuts

Melt butter in a saucepan and fry the celery for 2-3 minutes, stirring frequently. Add about 4 tbsp water to the pan, cover and simmer over medium heat for 5-6 minutes, until liquid is pretty much evaporated. Remove pan from heat and stir in chevre and half and half. Add salt and pepper to taste (we like to use kosher salt, despite the fact that we are not Jewish). Pour it all into a dish, throw walnuts on top, and bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Serve immediately and feel proud of yourself, for this is the fanciest thing your family will ever see. You might want to lie about the fact that the cheese was made from a goat- this tends to freak Minnesotans out. Say that it is a new type of fancy Velveeta and call it a day.

June 14, 2005

2005-06-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

For the next two weeks, the Totally Legitimate Interview will take on a more Midwestern flavor. This means no hipsters: no djs, no rock stars, no bloggers... We've chosen to interview people who can bring insight to our Midwestern landscape.

This week, Slanderous Minneapolis brings you the vice-president of the board of directors for the Sturgis Motorcycle Museum and Hall of Fame, Randee Peterson. The 65th Annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally will be held in the Black hills of South Dakota from August 8th to the 14th. See ya there!

SM: Why do you think Sturgis is culturally important?

Randee: Because it's the largest gathering of motorcycle riders in the world... Known as "The grandaddy of them all". The motorcycle culture of the USA
is reaching around the world now which makes the USA (once again) the leader.

SM: If Sturgis didn't exist, what do you think most of its attendants would look forward to every summer?

Randee: No idea... Life would suck.

SM: What kind of food is most popular at this event?

Randee: Meat and beer. Really, all kinds of food... We get vendors from around the USA... Weird names of foods that some may consider as bait to catch
real food. Still, the MOST popular are hamburgers, fries and beer. It's not uncommon to see alligator, all sorts of sea food, Oriental, Mexican and even funnel cakes. The overall "menu" is far and wide. The Road Kill Café offers "Poodles an' Noodles" and other similar dishes.

SM: What kind of food and/or entertainment has been requested?

Randee: Food ??? Nothing specific that I know of... Entertainment, you name it... We get big name bands and local bands... With close to 500,000 people, they hang out all over and listen to every style that is around... Probably 65% rock n roll, 30% country and 5% everything else- but that’s a real WAG - nothing more.
(Ed note: we cross-referenced the abbreviation "WAG" and found out that it stands for "wild-assed guess." Let's continue the interview.)

SM: What is the strangest of these requests?

Randee: "Strangest" is in the eyes of the biker... Some bikers are pretty strange... The most common request is "show us your tits" - But don't do that
downtown... Big fines for even the littlest of boobs. The campgrounds are more free and open to adult behavior. Those other strange requests are between the requester and the requestee.

SM: Do you think that somebody on a Vespa would get beaten up and/or
mocked?

Randee: No, the ONLY people that care about what you ride are the people that DON'T ride Harley Davidsons. Hey, we REALLY don't care!!! As long as you're not knocking down our bikes, we won't knock down yours. About 60% of the bikes are HD... That leave 4 out of every 10 bikes that are NOT Harley Davidson.

SM: What if the Vespa was driven The Rock, a bald eagle, or Bob Seger? Do you think they'd get more respect than a normal dipshit on a Vespa?

Randee: Again, who gives a shit? Not us... By the way, I didn't know "The Rock" was casterated... :-) It's not a slam - just a joke... Like leaving rice trails behind Japanese bikes or in their exhaust pipes- get a grip people... Just joking...

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

Randee: "What happened to my beer?"
On another note: So many people are intimidated by bikers... They shouldn't be. The bikers that come to the Black Hills are well known for their generosity, their willingness to help or even just leave alone as the case may be... The restaurant waitresses here in the Black Hills look forward to the bikers... They actually tip! We also have a Corvette rally... Cheap bastards (and sometimes very snobby) compared to the bikers. Now if you see a biker wearing a patch that says "1%" then leave them
alone - it means they don't want to be bothered.

And so ends another Totally Legitimate Interview. This is the closest we've gotten to biker culture since a picture of us topless on Rick Kupchella's bike appeared in the June 2002 issue of Easy Rider. Join us tomorrow for some more hotdishly-love.

June 10, 2005

2005-06-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

Your regularly scheduled Slander Edition Friday has been cancelled due to illness. If anybody would like to step up to the plate and contribute something for us, you are more than welcome: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

June 9, 2005

2005-06-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger

Today is a very special day for us! We received a request from none other than Dick Enrico* to be a guest blogger here.

Hey! Dick Enrico here. I've been meanin' to get around to startin' my own blog, but this just seemed easier. I wasn't sure what to write about so I thought that I'd just give you a recap of a typical week in my life.

Monday: I got up around 5AM and slammed some amino acids and about 8 lbs. of roast beef. Then I took a nap for about 4 hours until my son came into the room and woke me up to shoot some commercials. Have I mentioned that my son was on "The Bachelorette?" He ended up being too metrosexual for the chick, so he moved back home with me.

Tuesday: Shot some more commercials today and tried to move some units. The Ramada seemed interested, but then decided to buy new exercise equipment instead. Slightly used won't do, eh? I peed in their pool. Ha!

Wednesday: Ate buffalo wings by the Ramada pool today and laughed at all the kids who swam in it. Suckas! Dozed off around 6PM while watching ESPN Classics.

Thursday: Went into the office and did the crossword puzzle. Surfed the 'net for cheap Vicoden.

Friday: Casual Friday! Spent most of the day shoppin' for the perfect Tommy Bahama shirt. Got wasted at Applebees. Ended up gettin' in a fist fight with State Rep Matt Entenza.

I'd blog some more, but the Long Island Iced Teas seem to be doin' more harm than good. Remember, buy my shit!

Over 'n' Out!
-Dick

* Interview may be faked

June 8, 2005

2005-06-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

Not sure what to make for dinner? Have an emergency Lutheran potluck? We're here to help. Today we present a hotdish we grew-up on. We're not sure if our mom made it up, but we do know that she'll probably be pissed-off if we mock it too much. We'll just warn you not to make this dish if you are concerned about your sodium-intake or about the questionable nature of canned chicken.

Noodle-Roni Hotdish

1 box Noodle Roni- choose your own flava!
1 cup chopped celery
1 can canned chicken
grated chedder cheese

Make Noodle-Roni according to package directions. Mix in hotdish dish with celery and chicken. Sprinkle grated chedder on top. Bake at 350 degrees until cheese is brown and noodles are crispy on top. If you want to make this hotdish truly speak Minnesotan, line the bottom of the dish with dried beef.

June 7, 2005

2005-06-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

This week, we stole DJ Christian Fritz away from his turntables long enough to talk to us about his life.

SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

CF: No, not at all. I think a lot more people recognize me as that guy they always see out at shows or drinking at the CC Club than they do as that DJ guy.

SM: If you weren't popular for being a dj, what would you like to be known for instead?

CF: That guy always out at shows or drinking at the CC Club.

SM: If DJ Jake Rudh had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

CF: The funny thing is that I've actually met Jake on a few occasions and he's totally great! Transmission at the Hexagon just happens the same night I spin my trippy lounge at Jetset or else I really think we would check out each other's gigs more often. Since he's packing heat in this scenario, I'd just let him pick the venue.

SM: What is the strangest song request you've received?

CF: I only DJ weddings for close friends and sometimes for friends of friends - mainly because it's usually not my scene and I'm not one who enjoys busting out polkas or "Brown Eyed Girl," but even at cool weddings you always get little kids demanding you play Usher and then their parents come up and ask "what kind of DJ are you?" five minutes later for not having any. The worst though was when a good friend once insisted that I play "Lorelei" by Styx at
his reception and it wasn't as a joke.

SM: Which song do you secretly wish people requested more than they do?

CF: Either "Summertime" by Herb Alpert & The Tiajuana Brass (it's from 1971 which is a bit past Herb's career high point, but I personally feel that it's his best song from his best album) or anything by Gabor Szabo (who was an amazingly groovy jazz raga guitarist that not nearly enough people know about).

SM: While dj-ing, if, instead of free drinks (we're assuming this happens...), you were able to get some other food and/or drink item for free, what would it be?

CF: I'd totally DJ for good sushi.

SM: Describe your nightmare dj situation.

CF: Just from my own experiences, it's really hard to tell in advance what situations are going to be nightmares. A few years back, DJ Terrence Jerome and I were asked to DJ at an outdoor party near Saint Cloud. We were both
there spinning house, but people kept asking us if we could play music that they could line dance to. We were both like "this is just great," but after awhile they all started line dancing to our house mixes for the rest of the night. The whole thing felt like a disco-era TV variety special - it was a blast!

Then another time several years ago, a very good friend of mine asked me if I would DJ a party she was having. Her roommate was a dancer at Schiek's and said that a bunch of the other dancers would be there. I played it off like it was no big deal, but secretly I was thinking "this is gonna be awesome!" It wasn't... All they did was complain about my music and told me I was ruining the party by not playing hip-hop. After an hour or so, I asked my friend if she could just put on a CD so I could go home.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

CF: Way cool!! Me drinkee-drinkee.

Christian currently djs on Wednesday nights at Jetset: 115 North 1st Street, Downtown
Minneapolis. Throw some sushi at him and see if he'll play you some Usher.

Join us tomorrow for more hotdish.

June 3, 2005

2005-06-02T21:38:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

After that juicy real gossip yesterday, we'll get back to our slanderous roots. Check out all the news we've collected. You can't make this shit up! Or, can you...?

* The Star Tribune's own Jon Bream was recently spotted wandering around the St Paul Wal Mart in a disorientated fashion. When an employee asked him if he needed help, Bream replied: "I was just looking for some pot, man." He was escorted out of the store soon after.

* Retired State Representative Arlon Linder is so staunchly religious that he actually believes himself to be the brother of Jesus Christ. He has drafted his own version of the Bible in which he appears several times and has even written psalms about himself. If you wish to receive further information, Linder conducts weekly services in the smoking section of Perkins off I-94.

* Cyndy Brucato is your real mother.

* It gets better... Almanac's Eric Eskola is your real father. Your parents withheld this information from you because they didn't want you to become corrupted by the fast-paced lifestyle of MN celebritydom.

* Sometimes, just as we're falling asleep at night, Belinda Jensen sneaks into our bedroom and kisses us lightly on the head.

Yawn... We are getting sleepy! Kupchella is about to tuck us in for the night, so we will bid you a happy weekend.

June 2, 2005

2005-06-01T22:00:00.000-05:00

Celebrity Gossip

This week, we are taking a break from our usual guest-blogging feature to bring you some actual celebrity gossip. We received a tip about a certain meterologist. In the interest of libel, we are doing this as sort of a blind-item. The tip may be about somebody pictured above, but we're keeping our mouths shut...

Not that there isn't a lot of witty charm in the content of your blog already. However, this info is just far too good to pass up:

One of my very good friends owns an Aveda Concept salon in the Cities and works with a foxy male Aveda rep whom we shall call "Every Closeted Gay Man's Wetdream". ECGMW is currently dating a bland, white, married-father-of-two businessman, but he's getting propositioned by a bland, white, married-father-of-three news anchor...

None other than [redacted]!!!!

[Redacted] has been sending ECGMW sexy e-mails.

The best part? [Redacted] first approached him at the fucking CHER concert!

Should anything come of this, I promise updates.

P.S. Local news is so creepy.

P.S. From Slanderous Minneapolis:
It has been awhile since we posted some celeb gossip, so we'd just like to remind you that we don't check our sources, since that would make us a legitimate news source, which we absolutely do not strive to be. We posted this as a blind-item, leaving the speculation up to you. We are making no claim to the above statement, except the claim that it is entertaining and brought us a hell of a lot of traffic today. Amen.

June 1, 2005

2005-05-31T21:52:00.000-05:00

Celebrity Sighting

Some Wednesdays we publish hotdish recipes that we have made or that we think look appetizing enough to make. This week is an exception, in which we are posting a recipe that adheres more to an overall spirit of hotdish rather than a spirit of edible-ness. In truth, this hotdish looks like the sort of thing you'd find in a buffet line at a funeral potluck. If you were smart, you'd avoid this mess and head straight to the boxed wine and meat & cheese tray.

SAUERKRAUT HOTDISH

1 lb. ground beef
1 (2 1/2 lb.) can sauerkraut, drained
1/4 lb. onion
1 can mushroom soup
1 can water
1 1/2 c. chow mein noodles

Mix ingredients and bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes. Take a look at the fucking disgusting meal you have just prepared and opt instead to use the oven for sticking your head into. Throw the goddamn chow mein noodles on top, since they are an obvious gourmet pairing to saurkraut.

Join us tomorrow for some actual celebrity gossip. We really mean it!

May 31, 2005

2005-05-30T20:59:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

Hello, and welcome to another non-libelous edition of Slanderous Minneapolis in which we interview somebody in Minneapolis who may or may not be of importance. This week, we sat down with fellow blogger Rex Sorgatz, the writer behind
Fimoculous.com and a contributor to the new MNSpeak.com.

SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

RS: If by "local celebrity" you mean unrecognizable in a crowd of three, then yes. Being told "you should be a blogger" is this decade's version of "you
should be on the Real World" -- and for some mysterious reason, people think both are compliments.

SM: If you weren't popular for being a blogger and writer, what would you like to be known for instead?

RS: I'd like to be known as that guy who thought he had enough money to buy the Vikes, but didn't. Or I'd like to be known as the guy who invented the
"odd/even streets" snow emergency concept. Or I'd like to be known as a guy who tags all of Uptown with "Rx." Or I'd like to be known as a guy who wants to start a reality tv show in which he lives in the Mall of America, but the show only gets picked up by cable access. In other words, I'd like to be known as yet another person who desperately wants to be famous, but chooses immensely dumb ways to do so.

SM: If Geoff Cannon had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

RS: Bangkok. In fact, all of the MNspeak contributors are vacationing there this Fall. Chino Latino teases you with a suburbanite's notion of danger, but the odds of contracting an STD are greatly exaggerated.

SM: Is there a subject matter that you'd like to write about on MNspeak, but are too embarrassed?

RS: Yes, but ex-girlfriends seem to jump into the comments and provide any missing info. That Bukkake thread was completely libelous, but I can't sue my own site.

SM: Who would you like to ghost-write a blog for?

RS: Prince. But that's because I would like to get my keyboard altered to write sentences like "Eye need U 2 4ward those pics 2 me."

SM: What is your favorite blogging snack?

RS: Lileks Cheesy Balls, CJ Corny Puffs, and Coleman Cool Ranch Chips.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

RS: Five is too many.

Please join us tomorrow for another kick-ass hotdish recipe.

Memorial Day Memo

2005-05-29T15:44:00.000-05:00

We are now on Friendster. Check out Slanderous Minneapolis and add us as a friend.

UPDATE
Fine, we added ourselves to
My Space as well. Happy?

May 27, 2005

2005-05-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

This week, we had a religious experience. Sometimes, we are very mean to people in our Slander Editions. We figure if we can (hot)dish it, we can take it. Today, we turn the focus to ourselves:

* Did you know that the Slanderizer is really a 300 lb., 45-yr-old woman who sits in her room all day watching court shows and surfing the web?

* The weekly hotdish recipes featured on Slanderous Minneapolis all contain subliminal instructions to add poison. Unless you hate the people you're serving, it is strongly advised that you do not make any of the hotdishes that they post.

* The Slanderizer drinks milk straight from the carton, doesn't clean up after his/herself when they poop on the sidewalk, doesn't help old ladies cross the street, and once spit on a nun.

Okay, we're getting lazy. A holiday weekend is upon us, so we really should be thinking about how great this country is instead of publishing this mindless dribble. Please enjoy your holiday and join us on Tuesday for another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW.

May 26, 2005

2005-05-25T19:18:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger

Welcome to another day of guest-blogging. It's been awhile since we've dipped into our sweet, sweet intern labor, so we thought we'd give him an assignment. He succeeded quite nicely, as you'll see in this Tony-nominated play:

A short play about blogging at Slanderous Minneapolis
By the Intern

Setting: Slanderous Minneapolis offices, early on a weekday morn. The intern sits in his cage in an unlit corner awaiting the daily delivery of pancakes, water, and Wheatables, while the Slanderizer makes coffee and vomits, trying to remember the name of the Korean businessman he met at Chili’s the night before. All he can remember though is the shared babyback ribs appetizer, the three Zimas, and the businessman’s bolo tie and cowboy boots, now lying on his bed, a real American gift from his Korean friend. The coffee made, the Slanderizer slowly struts over to the intern and turns on the light. He splashes a cold bucket of water on the intern’s face and starts laughing uproariously.

Intern: I’m hungy. Where be my pancakes?

Slanderizer: You ain’t hungy. You hungry, and I’m hungover. You don’t get pancakes today, and you need to write for us. If you do a good job, you can have fourteen Wheatables, and a new pair of boots.

Intern: Water first?

Slanderizer: What do you think I just showered you with? Drink that slop up you little shit.

Intern: Keyboard to type?

Slanderizer: I’m gonna let you out of the cage and rope you up by the computer. Don’t make noise.

Intern: Okay.

(Slanderizer opens cage and leads intern to lit table on the other side of the room where he straps the intern’s ankle to a three foot long chain attached to the wall)

Slanderizer: Stay here. I’ll be back in a half hour and you better have good shit for the blog or else it’s bad-news-bears for you.

Intern: Yes sir…

(Slanderizer leaves. The Intern looks around the room.)

Intern: What the fuck am I gonna write about? Oh, here’s a good story about how Paris Hilton’s television ad for Carl’s Jr. has been deemed too sexy and labeled as “basically softcore porn.” That could be something good to write about. Oh! Michael Jackson’s on trial for something. That’s weird. I should write about that. Or there’s this story about Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie losing weight. They look sickly. I wonder how Paris feels about that, since her falling out with Nicole? Wow, lots of good stuff today. Master is gonna be so pleased! Mark McGrath will probably be happy about this too on Access Hollywood. I’m gonna be famous and stuff, then I can make my own pancakes.

(Intern frantically types for next twenty minutes. Then Slanderizer returns with a bull whip in one hand, a mint julep in the other.)

Slanderizer: Well, it’s time to see what you came up with today.

(Slanderizer pushes Intern aside and reads over what’s on the computer screen.)

Slanderizer: You stupid fuckhat! Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, a picture of Mark McGrath! We can’t write about this shit. We only care about the Shelb and the Kupchellameister, not real things that a real blog would cover. God damn it. Up against the wall. It’s time for your forty lashes. I don’t know why I barely keep you alive at all. I’m glad your skin has turned to jaundice. You’ll be dead soon enough.

Slanderizer begins to whip the intern.)

End scene.

That seems fairly accurate, actually. But seriously, we don't start drinking mint juleps until at least 9:30. Join us tomorrow for SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY. Send goodies here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 25, 2005

2005-05-24T21:36:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

You asked and we delivered. Behold, our first vegan hotdish recipe:

Speedy Bean Hotdish

1/2 cup unsulphured molasses
3 tablespoons white vinegar
3 tablespoons mustard
1/2 teaspoon liquid pepper sauce
3 16-oz cans baked beans in tomato sauce
1 16-ov can kidney beans, drained
3/4 cup chopped onions, divided

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Mix together molasses, vinegar mustard, and pepper sauce in a bowl; spoon into 3-quart baking dish. Add beans and half the onions; mix well. Bake 1 hour. Just before serving, sprinkle rest of onions on top. Hell, throw some fucking potato chips on there as well. Invite your patchouli buddies over for an old-fashioned hippie potluck (eg. weed-smoking) and enjoy.

Tomorrow, our intern will be our guest blogger.

May 24, 2005

2005-05-23T19:22:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

Today, Slanderous Minneapolis interviews Arzu Gocken (pictured left), who has been a member of local rock bands Selby Tigers and So Fox and currently runs Staraoke Karaoke, at downtown Grumpy's on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday nights. We harassed her via e-mail, and here is what she had to say:

SM: If you weren't popular for making music and making sweet, sweet karaoke, what would you like to be known for instead?

AG: I went to film school, so I guess as a film maker. I love doing music videos for my friends' bands.

SM: If Sean Tillman had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

AG: Well we always go to Taste Of Thailand when he is here, but maybe I would take him to the one in Fridley, because no one is usually there and it would be more secretive and slightly exotic. Not erotic though. But with Sean you just never know.

SM: Which local celebrity (who is not currently in music) do you wish would come do karaoke?

AG: Hmmm...not currently in music? Maybe a newscaster...like Rick Kupchella. But I bet he would sing Jimmy Buffett. I just have a feeling.

SM: Would you help them out by altering the lighting so that it is sexier?

AG: Kupchella would be on his own. He would probably still have his makeup on, so he would be fine.

SM: If you didn't do karaoke three nights a week, what would you spend most of your evenings doing?

AG: Going to shows and movies. And watching horrible reality shows with my friends while eating Rip L chips and drinking wine. Amazing combo.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

AG: Fun, saucy, sexy, engaging, done.

Think you have what it takes to be interviewed by us? Let us know!
slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

We have had a request for vegan hotdish. Tomorrow, we will try to deliver. Peace out.

May 20, 2005

2005-05-19T22:17:00.000-05:00

Slander Edition Friday

Today we got some help for our libel-fest from a local "celebrity:"

Dear Slanderous Minneapolis:
My name is Dave Dahl* and I do the weather at KSTP Channel 5 News. I thought you might appreciate some gossip about some of my coworkers:

* Did you know that Angela Davis never actually sleeps? She stays awake through a unique combination of diet pills from Super America, Splenda, and ginseng. In place of traditional rest, she spends up to four hours a day watching Tivo-ed episodes of The View and grinding her teeth. For real!

* Little known fact; I fucking hate the morning weather guy, Jim Guy. Don't listen to a word he says about the forecast; instead of using the sciency equipment that I use, he relies solely on a 1876 edition of The Farmer's Almanac.

* I know that you want some hot tips about Cyndy Brucato, but you know what? I'm not gonna say anything.

* Since sports reporter Rod Simons stole my donut earlier this week, I'll let you in on something: he wears Zubaz underneath the news desk. As if that wasn't bad enough, they are Packers Zubaz.

* Reporter Ross Kirgiss uses his Emmy award to pick up women. Seriously, we went to Champp's last week, and he put it on the bar next to his Bud. I spilled sour cream on it when he was in the bathroom, but don't tell him it was me.

* Oh, and want some gossip about me? I'm one sexy dude.

Hope that this gossip has been of service. If you do print this, please protect my identity (say it was from Dan Rather or something).

Peace out,

Dave Dahl

We love posts where somebody else does our writing for us. Who knew that KSTP was such a scandalous place?

Tune in on Tuesday for another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW.

* Okay, so we may have made this letter up. Just some more libel for all of you to gnaw on.

May 19, 2005

2005-05-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger

If you recall, last week we invited all you haters out there to come be our guest blogger, just to prove that you can do it better yourself. We received a submission from this blogger at
Ironic Teachings, but he wrote it with the following disclaimer:

"I just hope you realize that I don't think I could do a better job (I read the blog). Very funny and quite original."

Awww... We love you to. Let's get on with it. Here is some slander from our guest blogger:

Whizzinator Bust Leads to Surprise Problems Around Twin Cities

Minneapolis, MN

With Vikings running back Onterrio Smith in trouble after being caught with "The Original Whizzinator", other Twin Cities celebrities are coming forward with rather troubling news. Smith, a fourth round pick, was held up at the airport when TSA members searched his bag and found the device which helps players get by drug tests. Invetigators worked on Smith for several hours and, after a threat by Mike Tice to get him traded to the San Francisco 49ers, he cracked and named names. Thus, we present the list of charges stemming from Smith's confession:

* Dennis Douda: Smith claims that the Whizzinator was Douda's, and he was "just holding it for the man." We had no idea that WCCO had instituted such a harsh drug policy. When we asked for comments, WCCO transferred us to a janitor's closet where "Jose" said he had, "no comment."

* Wally Szczerbiak: Apparently he and star Kevin Garnett have been using Smith to smuggle large quantities of Botox from Canada. They inject themselves in order to stem the anger lines they get when they look at (Latrell) Sprewell and (Sam) Cassell. "They really pissed us off this year," the shooting guard said.

* Bob Dylan: Smith confessed that he wrote all of Dylan's songs. When the police asked how this could be especially with Dylan performing before Smith was even born, Smith replied "Time Travel." Randy (Moss) taught me how to
build a time machine. I swear. (This could not be confirmed).

* Winona Ryder: In a shocking turn of events, Smith confessed that he taught Ryder how to shoplift. "I was shocked when she got caught. She was so good at lifting wallets at the Metrodome."

And finally, the most shocking of all:

* Jesse "The Body (or Mind)" Ventura: Smith laid out detailed plans about how he helped steal the election for Ventura using college students, free food, and psychedelic drugs. A officer who wished to remain nameless told us, "this is SO much worse than the Kennedy's ballot stuffing. This man may have been the very reason why our fragile Minnesota economy is crumbling, dontcha know?"

Smith is being held in a secret location (we hear he's hiding out in Sarah Jane Olson's old house) for his own protection. His confessions are being investigated, but the NFL is unsure, as of right now, if he will be in trouble for his "illegal device."

WOW! Thank you for such a libelous post! We love the support.

Are you a fan? Are you a player-hater? Do you think our blog sucks? Here's your chance to stick it to us (or love on us). Become a guest blogger today! slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 18, 2005

2005-05-18T06:13:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

This week's recipe comes from the following source (in MLA format, for all you academics):

Millang, Theresa. The Great Minnesota Hotdish. Cambridge, MN: Adventure Publications, 1999.

Corn Hotdish

6 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup finely chopped onions
1/2 cup chopped green pepper
1 16 oz can whole kernel corn, drained
1 16 oz can cream corn
1 8 oz package corn muffin mix
3 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup sour cream
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 slices bacon, crumbled (for all you carnivores...)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add onions and peppers; stir and cook until tender, but not brown. Place into lage bowl along with remaining ingrediants. Mix well. Pour mixture into a 3-quart baking dish and bake for 50 minutes. Invite your pastor, his wife, and at least 5 other friends from your church over for dinner, because this dish serves 8, yo.

May 17, 2005

2005-05-17T09:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

We realize that we missed posting yesterday. We apologize. To help accommodate our schedule a little bit better, we will now be closed on Mondays (like most great institutions). Our weekly schedule will be as follows:

Monday: closed
Tuesday: Totally Legitimate Interview
Wednesday: Humpday Hotdish Hoedown
Thursday: Guest Blogger Who May or May Not Think that He/She is Better than Us
Friday: Slander Edition Friday

We hope that you find this helpful. God bless.

And now on to our regularly scheduled Tuesday!

Totally Legitimate Interview

This week we are featuring Esther Park, a fellow City Pages winner and owner of Store Nico, located at 2431 Lyndale Ave. South in Uptown Minneapolis.

SM: Since you are a fellow City Pages award winner, we feel the need to ask: do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

EP: No, but if I win 5 more times...maybe.

SM: If you didn't get the award for "best boutique," what would you have liked to win for?

EP: "Best Place To Bring Your Barely Eight Week Old Puppy" or "Best Place To Meet Hot Single Men and Women."

SM: Who's the most famous person who has come into your store?

EP: This guy came in and looked just like Patrick Swayze, he bought some wrapping paper and asked where the nearest co-op was.

SM: If Robyn Robinson had a gun to your head and demanded that you take her out for a nice dinner, where would you take her?

EP: Dong Yang grocery/restaurant. It'd be like taking her to a Korean mom's kitchen.

SM: Who would be famous enough that you would shut down your store so they could shop in privacy?

EP: Anyone that's worthy of an InTouch cover.

SM: If you had to sum up this interview in 5 words or less, what would you say?

EP: Naima for Top Model!

SM: Agreed. Keenyah’s gotten way too fat.

If you fancy yourself a local “celebrity” and wish to be featured, drop us a line. Don’t make us stalk you: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 13, 2005

2005-05-13T09:34:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY: Minnesota Nice

Local “celebrities” have been good to us lately- it’s bloggers who have been nasty (we’ll get to you in a bit). So, this week we’re going to take it easy on all of these wonderful people who read us our news, play us our sweet, sweet Clear Channel, and sell us products.

* WCCO’s Jason DeRusha will definitely have a very cute baby.

* KDWB’s Dave Ryan was spotted at the Capitol Grill on Wednesday night. He accidentally let out a small burp, then walked around to each table to personally apologize to his fellow diners. What a polite guy!

* After drinking too much at the Neon Cowboy, we fell on the sidewalk in front of the West Bank Holiday Inn. We did not feel pain, however, because CJ was there to help us up and hand us a cup of black coffee. We’re sorry we’ve been so mean!

* You know who has the prettiest pony in the whole world? Jeremy Iggers, food critic and ethicist for the Star Tribune. What we wouldn’t give just to brush it once!

* Recently, Dick Enrico visited the Children’s Cancer Ward at Fairview Hospital. Not only did he bring cookies, but he dressed up as a hobo clown and entertained the children with his silly songs and delightful dancing.

* Cyndy Brucato was seen at the Mall of America giving hugs to depressed teenagers. Matthew Johnson of Roseville reports: “She took one look at me with my green hair, System of a Down shirt, and baggy pants, and instead of running away or judging me like most people, Cyndy walked up to me, gave me a hug, and told me that everything was going to be okay. That moment changed my life. I started going to Bible Study and I gave up the Oxy-Contin. Things aregoing to be okay now, thanks to Ms. Brucato.”

That felt good for a change. Nobody was drunk (except us), nobody was molested, and nobody threw a drink in anybody’s face. Sigh…

And now a message to all you bloggers. We know you’re upset and think that our blog is shitty. It hurts us deep down inside, but then again, it might just be those bags of cocaine we swallowed to cross the Wisconsin border. Here’s our offer to you: if you don’t like the way it’s done around here, DO IT BETTER YOURSELF! That’s right! We are now going to be featuring guest bloggers once a week. Submit a blog entry to us, and you’ll be a prominent feature here at Slanderous Minneapolis: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

And always remember: if you hate on us (and therefore link TO us) on your blog, it only brings us more traffic. If all press is good press, then we come out the winner. Here’s your turn to be a winner. Submit an entry today!

May 12, 2005

2005-05-12T10:22:00.000-05:00

A Thursday of Miscellaneousity

We will save the fake stuff for tomorrow, but for now, we’ll just steal from the Internet(s).

* Attention all lesbians who wear khakis! This could be you!: [Craigslist]

* CJ tracks the happenings of CNN’s Aaron Brown. Sorry, but we spell “sexy” A-N-D-E-R-S-O-N-C-O-O-P-E-R: [CJ]

...and that’s all we’ve got. If you want to help us out with “news” for tomorrow, please send your slander: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 11, 2005

2005-05-11T11:39:00.000-05:00

HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN

Welcome to another hotdishalicious Wednesday here at Slanderous Minneapolis. Keeping with our totally legitimate theme this week, we are actually providing an original hotdish that we didn’t steal from the Internet. We actually made this ourselves last week; it was totally tasty!

Slanderous Vegetarian Dee-Lite

1 medium eggplant
2 small yellow zucchinis
2 small green zucchinis
½ stalk green onion
1 handful fresh parsley
1 can stewed tomatoes
1 can Great Northern beans, rinsed and drained
Olive oil
Garlic, salt, pepper, and oregano to taste
White cheddar cheese
Parmesan
Breadcrumbs

1. Chop up veggies to your liking. Use larger pieces for a rustic (e.g. lazy) approach, or mince if you have a hard time eating grown-up food.

2. Heat some olive oil on medium-high in the bottom of a Dutch oven (that’s a big pot with a cover, dudes). Sautee’ the onions and garlic first for about 3-5 minutes, then add the rest of the veggies. Cook covered over low heat, stirring occasionally, for about 20-30 minutes.

3. When the veggies are cooked to your liking, pour them into a shallow lasagna-sized pan. Throw some grated cheese and breadcrumbs on top (we like to put a lot), then bake in a 350 degree oven for 15-25 minutes, or until browned a bit on top.

4. Serve atop rice or pasta if you desire (you carb-eating, fattie!), or just by itself (but be sure to get a healthy portion, Karen Carpenter).

We have no idea what the fuck we’re going to write about tomorrow. Help us out, if you wish: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 10, 2005

2005-05-10T12:51:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

We finally got an actual “celebrity” to help us out with our new segment! You may know Jason DeRusha as the hunky reporter on WCCO, but we know him as a fellow blogger and fan. We recently snuggled up with him over a warm cup of e-mail, and here is what he had to say:

SM: Where do you work and what is your job title?

JDR: I work at WCCO-TV and my title is News Reporter. I also change the water in the Culligan dispenser. It's right by my desk.

SM: Why do you think you should be considered a local "celebrity?"

JDR: It's hard to know if my rugged good looks, or my sharp wit are more important. My wife is hot. Is that something?

SM: What would you rather be "famous" for?

JDR: Barbeque. That Famous Dave guy is so famous, they even put it in his name. I'd like to be Famous Jason.

SM: Would you rather be a small celebrity in Minneapolis or a big
celebrity in Hibbing?

JDR: Actually, I'm already a big celebrity in Hibbing. Let me tell you: IT ROCKS! I get free drinks at Palmer’s Tavern all the time. Their website plays the Cheers song... and when I walk in, they all yell, "JASON!"

SM: Enough about fame; let's get personal. If Don Shelby put a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for a nice dinner, where
would you take him?

JDR: I'm assuming he's paying, so I'd make him take me to the restaurant at Le Meridien-- Cosmos. I can't afford to go there myself. If I were paying, I'd take him to the Chipotle across from WCCO.

SM: Okay, Don Shelby still has a gun to your head… Where do you take him after dinner?

JDR: Club Cancun. The Shelb loves to dance. He's a big fan of that new Gwen Stefani song.

SM: Midway through activity #2, The Shelb tells you that the gun was really made of chocolate. How do you feel?

JDR: Tingly.

SM: If you ever found yourself on top of a giant billboard of Cyndy Brucato with a can of spray paint, what would you artistically express?

JDR: That billboard is on my way home on I-94... I greet Cyndy every night. I would draw a giant heart around her giant head. In real life, her head isn't giant. Just on the billboard.

SM: If you summed up this interview in 5 words or less, what would you say?

JDR: Tingly. Read my blog (http://www.wcco.com/jasoblog) That's five words. The web address counts as one, right? Thanks for interviewing me. People reading this will probably think you guys made it up. But sadly, I'm just that insane.

MAy 6, 2005

2005-05-06T09:43:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY

Unlike most local blogs, Slanderous Minneapolis attracts a wide audience (not just middle-aged men with ponytails, angst against Fox News, and an interest in mail-order brides). Yes, we attract our fair share of 20-somethings avoiding office work, but we also have librarians, students, mattress store employees, and even teachers as fans. This morning, we were all set to go about our usual routine of making up tidbits about “celebs,” but our inbox supplied all that we needed. An English teacher and loyal reader submitted this “report” from the frontlines. Please note the excellent use of grammar and sentence structure:

Local News Anchor Loses Control at Gala
Minneapolis, MN

UPN 29 Co-anchor Chris Conangla lost control at a gala for the opening of Wolfgang Puck's 20.21 at the Walker Arts Center. Conangla, who witnesses said had at least six Whiskey Sours, a bottle of wine, and left the men'sbathroom wiping his nose four times, stood up after Puck's speech to give aspeech of his own. Swaying back and forth, Conangla launched into a profanity- laced tirade about how much he really hates the Twin Cities. "I know I've said I love it here, but all you can fucking suck! I can't tell you how hard I have to chew back the vomit when I say, 'TGIF my friends.' You want more? I hate working with those fucking charities! I just do it because I keep losing money on those damn Twins and have to pay John(Henk) back."

Though several people tried to stop Conangla, he punched out his wife, two security guards, and Jordana Green's Husband. As he was dragged away, Conanagla was heard yelling, "Try telling me what to do now, Jordana. Try telling me WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!"

When asked to comment, all Wolfgang Puck would say is, "Julia Child would
have cut him. I plan on finding him after the party and introducing him to (Bobby) Flay. That little Jersey boy will shut him up."

UPN 29 offices could not be reached for comment.

Well played! We couldn’t have written it better ourselves, considering that the portion of our brain devoted to mastery of the English language has been taken over by information about how much money celebrities spend on clothes, houses, vacations, etc. (damn you, VH1!).

Next week, we will be featuring another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW, another hotdish recipe, and more of that healthy slander that you are more addicted to than that sweet, sweet meth you’ve also come to love.

Holla here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 5, 2005

2005-05-04T18:27:00.000-05:00

Totally Legitimate Interview

For the premier of our new segment, The Totally Legitimate Interview, we are interviewing... ourselves! Seriously, people: you didn't honestly believe that we were cool enough to get an actual celebrity for this first one, did you?

SM: So, how does it feel to be participating in the premier of this rad new segment?

Slanderizer: Why don't you guys have a real "celebrity?" It seems like you would have at least been able to get the Matress Giant.

SM: We came up with the idea for this segment less than 24 hours ago, so we couldn't really get somebody else on such short notice. Plus, the Mattress Giant is on probation for selling a mattress full of hash. First question: how do you feel about your recent award?

Slanderizer: I'm having mixed reactions... At first I was very excited, but now there's so much backlash from all those other local bloggers. I'm sick of reading attacks all over the web. I mean, Slanderous Minneapolis is kind of a joke. Plus, we're attacking celebrities, not bloggers. It's hard not to take it personally.

SM: Yeah, we've noticed that you've been a little down lately. It's too bad that you can't rip up your City Pages award and give a little piece to everybody, like what Lindsay Lohan does with her prom crown at the end of Mean Girls.

Slanderizer: I don't think that we'd do that. Unless of course you're interested in writing a script about this whole thing, because an ending like that would make us look really good.

SM: Sorry, we're already working on a script for Cyndy Brucato. We can't give out too many details, but we'll tell you this: it involves dolphins and a lot of wet tee-shirt shots.

Slanderizer: Sounds classy. Are we just about done here?

SM: Thanks for your participation and dedication to reporting only the finest, most authentic news.

Slanderizer: I wish you could have said that without cracking a smile.

Do you fancy yourself a local celebrity? E-mail us here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 4, 2005

2005-05-04T11:00:00.000-05:00

HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN

Welcome to our weekly hotdish recipe. Since our 15 minutes appear to be up and our site visits down, we feel like simply linking to a recipe today instead of posting one. Here you go.

Also, we're trying to develop a new segment, called TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW THURSDAY, in which we actually interview a local "celebrity." No libel. No slander. Just legimate reporting. It won't be as boring as it sounds... So, if you consider yourself to be a local "celebrity" and would like us to interview you, please contact us here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 3, 2005

2005-05-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

It's a slow day 'round these parts. We have made a new-month resolution: we'd rather print nothing than something shitty. For reals!

Tomorrow is HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN. Send us your recipes: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 2, 2005

2005-05-02T10:46:00.000-05:00

Monday Ramblings

We have a busy day filled with “celebrity” gossip of all sorts. Let’s get to it!

Dear Slanderous,

This Saturday, my wife and I were shopping at Mall of America and saw Rusty Gatenby with Dora the Explorer (not the cartoon, but the woman who is playing Dora in some live Dora play).

Rumor amongst the Maple Grove moms was that Rusty was seen slapping Dora's ass in the green room and asking, "Can you find my pants?"

We’re not too familiar with Dora the Explorer, since our own tumultuous childhood has caused us to avoid anything aimed at children, but that is good gossip nonetheless.

A male friend also gave us this to nosh on:

Reading Slanderous Mpls made me think of the time that Rick Kupchella was driving behind me in his Range Rover and was totally making eyes with me when I would look back in the rearview mirror at a long stoplight! For real!

Rick, you dog! We are loving how are newfound fame is actually bringing in real tips! It keeps us from regurgitating the news too much and from having to think and/or plan.

April 29, 2005

2005-04-28T21:54:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY

Okay, people. We all know what "slander" means, don't we? Look it up and we'll excuse you from our legal disclaimer for this week. And now, on to the libel!!

* CJ was at the Viking Bar Wednesday night, pounding down the red wine and pounding her fist on the bar over a copy of the City Pages. Fireballs shot out of her mouth every time she said "SSSScandalous!" or "Mosssssss!" which was often. Kim Ode was at the bar next to her, drinking Mind Erasers and trying to justify her existence. CJ slammed her wine and yelled "Shut up bitccchhhhh!" and then she sneezed and singed Kim's hair off!!!

* Was anybody else aware that KSTP's Cyndy Brucato is really Miss Richfield 1981 in different drag? You heard it here first.

* The Mall of America has seen its fair share of obnoxious activity, but none as obnoxious as 1280 AM's Hugh Hewitt. Last Thursday, this conservative talk radio host was caught molesting 11-yr-old boys on Camp Snoopy's Mighty Axe. For shame.

* Randy Shaver, why won't you return our calls?

That's all for this week. Tune in Monday for more of what you love.

April 28, 2005

2005-04-28T11:40:00.000-05:00

Basking in the Afterglow

Unless you’ve been living in a hole devoid of media and Little Debbie snack cakes, you are aware that yesterday, we won the prestigious “Best Locally Generated Blog” from City Pages. Rumour has it that when Don Shelby received his prize from the publication, it included tortilla chips and a bottle of wine. We are excited about receiving a similar gift pack and will report when it arrives, but we wanted to share this quote from a friend and reader:

“If Don Shelby got wine, they should give you some crack!”

So true! Unlike most bloggers, we here at Slanderous Minneapolis don’t pretend to be better than the real media and we’re not delusional enough to think that we’re somehow subverting anything (besides maybe CJ). We are the crack to Don Shelby’s wine and we are damn proud of it.

Speaking of CJ, we were actually able to obtain an interview with her! After all this time, she has finally acknowledged our existence and made contact. Amazing where this award will get you in this town. Boo-yah!

SM: It’s a pleasure to finally meet you! We know that we hate on you a lot, but really, deep down, it’s all fueled by love.

CJ: …

SM: What does it feel like to be upstaged by a blog?

CJ …

SM Any predictions for local celebrities in the coming months?

CJ: I’d like a decaf-grande-skim-8 Splenda- latte and 17 maple-nut scones with extra butter.

Okay, so maybe we didn’t actually get an interview. Maybe we actually followed CJ into a Starbucks and asked these questions from far, far away. And maybe none of this really happened. Whatever; you don’t read us for real content, do you?

Speaking of false content, tomorrow is SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY, in which we roast local “celebrities” over the flames of slander, libel, and carbon dioxide. If you have any tips, send them here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

April 27, 2005

2005-04-27T10:25:00.000-05:00

While We Were Sleeping... (with Rick Kupchella)

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, OMG!

You must really like us, or this is some sort of wonderfully cruel joke:
WE ARE THE BEST!!

Welcome, if this is your first time here. Look around our archives, for you are bound to find good stuff and a lot of poor writing that we really should erase. Sigh... Usually we give a hotdish recipe every Wednesday, but we are just too overwhelmed by today's excitement to make this standard.

Slanderous Hotdish

1 part slander
2 parts libel
1 part bullshit
4 parts sass
5 parts hatin' on CJ

Mix in a golden bowl with an electric mixer until well blended. Pour in casserole dish and top with mashed-up potato chips, then bake at 400 degrees for 45 minutes until golden brown. Promptly walk the hotdish into your living room and consume the entire thing with a plastic spoon while watching back-to-back movies on Lifetime. Repeat as necessary, preferably with sweatpants.

WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

April 26, 2005

2005-04-26T16:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry no slander today. We've been getting down 'n' dirty with Rick Kupchella since we met him at the Eagle last night (who's your daddy now, Amy Hockert?!?!). We will return tomorrow with the HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN, provided that Ricky lets us have the key to the handcuffs.

Love,
Slanderous Minneapolis

April 25, 2005

2005-04-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

East Coast Report

As promised, we offer this dispatch from an ex-Minneapoltan who is currently living in Philadelphia:

Here's a tidbit you may or may not want to use. Ex 'CCO reporter Dave
Huddleston is a big shot out here. His face is on billboards, trains,
coffee cup sleeves, those ads above urinals in dockers-friendly
restaurants, etc. Also, his teammate Dawn Stensland used to grace the
Minny airwaves. Check out their lovely bios at foxphiladelphia.com .
Dave is registered with the National Marrow Donor program and Dawn
helps abused and abandoned puppy dogs!

http://www.foxphiladelphia.com/news/dave_huddleston.shtml
http://www.foxphiladelphia.com/news/dawn_stensland.shtml

Your loyal Philadelphia correspondent,
[redacted]

Always nice to know where our "celebrities" end up when they abandon us. Thank you, loyal reader!

April 22, 2005

2005-04-22T09:33:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY: Mad Libs!

It’s a slanderous day in the neighborhood; won’t you be our neighbor? We thought we’d mix it up today by making today’s post into libelous mad libs. Please play along at home!

* CJ was seen _______________ (verb ending in “ing”) with _______________ (local celebrity) in the bathroom of a New Brighton Hardee’s.

* Need _____________ (illegal drug)? Tim Blotz has 500 lbs in his basement, worth an estimated $___________(numeric amount)!

* Local businessman Denny Hecker owes more to his success than just good business sense. Every ___________ (day of the week) night, he sacrifices ____________ (cute animal, plural) to his god, _______________ (nonsensical word).

* The entire staff of Slanderous Minneapolis had sex with ________________ (local sportscaster) at the _____________ (MN sports team) game last week. It was _____________ (adjective).

That was fun! Tune in on Monday for a special report from the East Coast!

April 21, 2005

2005-04-21T10:45:00.000-05:00

A Scolding

It's Spring in Minneapolis, it's warm out, and there are tons of events going on around town. Why are none of you spotting any celebrities? Do you have blinders on? Are you hiding away in your house, moping about the new pope? C'mon, people! It's time to get your collective ass in gear and start spotting some local celebs! We can't make everything up! Make us proud.

Remember, folks: tomorrow is SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY. Please help us out: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

April 20, 2005

2005-04-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

My, we are sexy! And we like hotdish!

Green Bean Hotdish

- 2 tablespoons butter
- 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 teaspoon white sugar
- 1/4 cup onion, diced
- 1 cup sour cream
- 3 (14.5 ounce) cans French style green beans, drained
- 2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
- 1/2 cup crumbled buttery round crackers
- 1 tablespoon butter, melted

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

2. Melt 2 tablespoons butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in flour until smooth, and cook for one minute. Stir in the salt, sugar, onion, and sour cream. Add green beans, and stir to coat.

3. Transfer the mixture to a 2 1/2 quart casserole dish. Spread shredded cheese over the top. In a small bowl, toss together cracker crumbs and remaining butter, and sprinkle over the cheese.

4. Bake for 30 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the top is golden and cheese is bubbly.

April 19, 2005

2005-04-19T10:30:00.000-05:00

Candidacy

We would like to announce our candidacy for Pope… of Minneapolis Gossip. We had originally intended to run for Pope of the Catholic Church, but then found out that it requires religious training, various oaths, and uncomfortable clothing, none of which are really our thing. Plus, if we had to be the figurehead of such a large organization, we probably wouldn’t have time to keep up this blog. See how much we care about you?

Here are reasons to vote for us as Pope of Minneapolis Gossip:

* We have washboard abs.

* We deliver the finest Minneapolis gossip to you each and every day. When fine gossip is not available, we make up finer gossip for your entertainment.

* Even the media likes us! We are fully endorsed by WCCO, the St Paul Pioneer Press, and Mpls/St Paul Magazine.

* We provide nostalgic cheer to displaced Minnesotans all over the country.

* Women are not eligible to become Popes, so you can’t vote for CJ anyway.

No pressure, people. Just think about this and when the imaginary election comes up, cast your vote for Slanderous Minneapolis.

Tomorrow is HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN. Please submit recipes here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

April 18, 2005

2005-04-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

Monday, Monday

* WCCO does a better job of stalking Jeanette Trompeter than you lazy, good-for-nothing readers. There's also a great slideshow of high school pics of J-Tromp: [WCCO]

* Best quote ever regarding the coming-out of State Senator Paul Koering:

"The Paul Koering I know is a large teddy bear with a very big heart and he will always be the same,' said Sen. Mady Reiter, R-Shoreview." (our emphasis)

Couldn't have said it better ourselves. [Pioneer Press]

April 15, 2005

2005-04-15T10:56:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY- KARE 11 Edition

Since last week’s CJ focus was so fun, we thought we’d refine our focus again this week, namely on the staff of KARE 11:

* Amy Hockert has recently fallen ill. She received a tapeworm earlier this year while eating a day-old burrito out of Julie Nelson’s trash.

* We recently spotted Pat Evans making out with us at our house. It was hot.

* Scott Goldberg may cover the news professionally, but he covers little else. We saw him at a local “message parlor” walking around completely nude. It was hot.

* Diana Pierce is really 70 years old. She has developed a new age-defying technique: drinking botox. This helps immobilize her organs, creating a youthful, outward glow.

* Belinda Jensen is making some cash on the side by growing marijuana in her garden. Trust us, it’s not worth half of what she’s charging.

Happy Weekend to all, and to all a good night.
Love,
Slanderous Minneapolis

April 14, 2005

2005-04-14T10:32:00.000-05:00

Inbox Inventory

We thought that we'd spend today opening some mail, which we will share with you now:

March 29th, 2005

To: Slanderous Minneapolis
From: Jason DeRusha, WCCO

Hi guys:

Your blog is absolutely ingenious! It's about time we had some real (fake) gossip in the Twin Cities. I love it.

Feel free to make up some crap about me anytime.

Jason DeRusha
WCCO-TV Reporter

Thanks, Jason. It's good to know that we have somebody in the media on our side. Please give shout-outs to D-Shelb for us.

March 31st, 2005

To: Slanderous Minneapolis
From: [Redacted]

Slander is the term given when you are defamed orally and libel is the term given when you are defamed in writing.

Yes, dear, but Libelous Minneapolis just didn't have the same ring to it. Why don't you pull the dictionary out of your ass and send it to this chick. She needs it more than us.

April 3rd, 2005

To: Slanderous Minneapolis
From: A Fan

I am a former yet fellow Minneapolite, currently living in that town LA where they worship Har-Mar Superstar. Not that I don't think he is great, but you know, LA has a knack for making shit happen. Found a link to you on fittedsweats.com and am thrilled......looking forward to more Mpls slander.......what ever happened to those Johnson Brothers?

The Johnson Brothers are taking us to the prom next week. We picked out our dress at Glitz! in the Mall of America and made dinner reservations at Red Lobster. We're very stoked.

If you want to participate in another edition of our INBOX INVENTORY or wish to make up some gossip for tomorrow, please do so: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

That is all.

April 13, 2005

2005-04-13T11:26:00.000-05:00

HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN

Welcome to our weekly tribute to Hotdish. A loyal reader, and fellow blogger, submitted the following recipe, straight from the kitchen of Mrs. Hubert Humphrey:

Mrs. Hubert Humphrey's Dinner-in-a-Dish
4 tablespoons shortening
2 green bell peppers, sliced
1 medium onion, chopped
1 pound hamburger
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
2 eggs
2 cups whole kernel corn
4 medium tomatoes, sliced
1/2 cup dry bread crumbs
Butter
Put shortening in skillet; lightly fry green peppers, onion and hamburger for 3 minutes or until partially done. Salt and pepper. Remove from heat; stir in eggs and mix well. Place 1 cup corn in casserole. Top with layer of meat mixture and layer of sliced tomatoes. Repeat until corn, meat mixture and tomatoes are used. Cover casserole with crumbs. Dot with bits of butter. Bake at 375 degrees F for 1 hour or until heated thoroughly.

A hotdish complete with something crunchy on top; we approve.

Join us tomorrow for a grab-bag of gossip. Send yours here, please: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

April 12, 2005

2005-04-12T16:35:00.000-05:00

Sports Recap

Welcome to our first, and what will most likely be our last, Sports Recap. On Friday night, we used our power and influence to secure ourselves tickets to the Twins' Season Opener. We think that the Twins lost, but in case you missed it, we have some crappy pictures to share:

Crappy Pic #1:

We arrived at the Dome desparate for not only a hot dog, but some hot lovin' as well. We picked up this guy in the parking lot, made-out with him in the bathroom, then snapped this pic as a memento. He went back to his Mystic Tanned girlfriend, but we'll always the Dome bathroom.

Crappy Pic #2:

As the National Anthem was sung, this giant flag was carried out onto the field, and the ghost of our Socialist grandfather (white image on right) showed up to throw rocks. Delightful.

Crappy Pic #3:

Did we forget to mention that they had a live eagle there? Here is his picture, fading in over the Sounds of Blackness or whomever sang that night.

Crappy Pic #4:

By far, the best thing that happened that night was the fact that we received a Chevy's coupon on the back of our ticket. Score! Either this picture is very blurry, or you are very drunk for the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. For shame.

****************
Join us tomorrow for the HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN.

April 11, 2005

2005-04-11T13:30:00.000-05:00

Around Town

Welcome to another slanderous week in the wonderful land of blogging. Please join us on our media journey, won't you?

* One of our competing blogs updates for the first time in three months. Great job! This one must actually have a day job; we understand: [Minneapolis Confidential]

* CJ clues us in to the latest trend: swinger bowling leagues. We took our "wife" out and ended up trading her for an electrician named Brad. Not much bowling was actually done: [Star Tribune]

* This is the gayest thing we've seen in quite awhile... And we live next door to a rest stop: [Craigslist]

Here's our schedule for the rest of the week:

Tuesday: We rehash our experience at the Twins' opening game.
Wednesday: HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN, this week featuring a recipe from a famous Minnesotan!
Thursday: Grab Bag
FridaySLANDER EDITION FRIDAY!!!

If you have anything you'd like to submit, be our guest: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

April 8, 2005

2005-04-08T08:39:00.000-05:00

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY!!!

Welcome to a special all CJ edition of SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY. Disclaimer: this is pure libel, although some of it may accidentally be true. We won’t be able to confirm those suspicions until we hire someone to follow CJ for us. We’re always accepting applications, people. Now, let’s get to it:

* CJ was recently seen exiting Dream Girls nightclub in downtown Minneapolis. We’re not saying she’s a lesbian, but then again, it’s hard to talk right now because we’re chewing a large wad of grape bubblegum.

* Guess who’s coming to dinner? It just might be CJ! Last week, she broke into the home of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Anderson of Wayzata, MN and when she was caught in their living room with her arms full of throw pillows from Pier One, she invited herself to dinner. Mrs. Anderson comments: “This cunt broke into our house and then expected me to serve her dinner. We threatened to call the police, but CJ got all up in our bizness [sic] with this ‘Don’t you know who I am??’ bullshit. I was too tired to argue so I made some Tuna Helper and then shoved her fat ass out our door. What a bitch!” And then a giant robot showed up. We may have dreamt this one, actually…

* CJ recently punched out a woman at Knollwood Mall’s TJ Maxx & More over an Oriental-inspired throw rug. For shame.

* Unbeknownst to the Star Tribune, CJ writes a sex column for the magazine Hot Tawdy, a pornographic publication based in Baton Rouge, LA.

And so ends another slandericious Friday… Please send tips for next week: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

April 7, 2005

2005-04-07T08:16:00.000-05:00

Return to Slander

We have returned from our romantic escapades with Jeff Passolt and are finally ready to get back to work. CJ still hasn't responded to that nice e-mail we sent her, so we think that tomorrow's SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY should be an all CJ edition.

Send your best and worst libel, slander, gossip, hearsay, and inaccuracies here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

April 4, 2005

2005-04-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

We were going to post on Friday and today, but April Fool's!!! We didn't. We were kidnapped by CJ and forced into questionable relations with Jeff Passolt, which we've actually started to enjoy, so the posting might be a bit scarce this week. Check back next week for all the love, laughs, and libel that you've come to expect.

Love,

Slanderous Minneapolis

P.S. Shout-outs to Cochran, Schiavo, and The Pope.

March 31, 2005

2005-03-31T08:08:00.000-06:00

Depression Sets In

CJ not only ignored our praise in her column today, but she ignored our e-mail as well. Sigh... You try to be nice, just once, and look what happens.

Well, there's always SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY to get our revenge. Please help us out and submit your finest here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

March 30, 2005

2005-03-29T20:41:00.000-06:00

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

By popular request, we will present this special hotdish to you. We have modified it for vegetarians or others who are afraid of handling raw meat.

Slanderous Minneapolis Tater Tot Hotdish

1 bag tater tots
1 sm. can cream of mushroom soup
1 package Boca ground "meat"
1 medium onion
1 can green beans, drained

Brown "beef." Saute' onions over medium heat in separate pan. Mix soup with "beef" and green beans. Pour in a baking pan. Meanwhile, bake tater tots on a cookie sheet.
When both are finished, layer the top of the mixture with the tater tots. Bake at 350 degrees for 5 minutes.

Hooray for another day without real content! If you have content for tomorrow, send it here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

March 29, 2005

2005-03-29T08:32:00.000-06:00

An Emotional Tuesday

Did anybody else see CJ's appearance on A Current Affair last night? She told the story of a love triangle at Wayzata Country Club, or the "Hamptons of Minnesota," as she quoted. We really want to trash her for this move, but really, we can only feel proud. We were actually moved to send her an e-mail this morning:

TO: cj@startribune.com
FROM: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com
SUBJECT: Congrats and Good Tidings

Dear CJ,

We know that we often trash you in our blog, but I'm sure that you don't read us anyway, given that you were quoted as saying that you "don't pay attention to blogs" in the recent issue of "Minneapolis/St Paul Magazine." In this article, you also seemed to imply that our staff has no standards, but we won't knock you for that because you're right. The only standard we adhere to at our publication is that Happy
Hour begins strictly at 3pm. Oh, and that our intern gets at least one walk a week.

However, we are not writing to deepen our one-sided feud; we are writing to congratulate you on your appearance on "A Current Affair" last night. Your presence on syndicated national television has left us proud as Minnesotans and as gossip columnists. Job well done, CJ.

Love,

Slanderous Minneapolis

Just so you wouldn't think we were pussies, we still put the horned pic of CJ up.

Remember, tomorrow is our Humpday Hotdish Hoedown. Please submit recipes here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com (preferably Tater Tot Hotdish). Thanks.

March 28, 2005

2005-03-28T08:19:00.000-06:00

Viva Las Minneapolis

So we're back. We will launch into a vacation recap and analysis of our article in Minneapolis/St Paul Magazine later this week when we have nothing to write about, but we think that this is more important: last night at Rossi's Steakhouse, we sat next to Derrick Coleman at the bar. This means nothing to us, but we assume that he's some sort of retired sports player, because some guy was falling all over him and asking him questions about sports. We'd had two martinis at that point and couldn't spy as well as usual, so could somebody fill us in on who this guy is? Thanks much.

UPDATE:

Thanks to a reader for this tip:

He was the #1 draft pick in 1990. He played in college of Syracuse and many NBA teams.

Friday, March 25, 2005

2005-03-24T22:15:00.000-06:00

Ok, so it's Good Friday today. According to Christian theory, this was the day that Jesus Christ did some shit and became the Late Great JC portrayed in Mel Gibson's movie of the same name. It's extra gooder today cuz it's also Slander Edition Friday.

But first.... a real report from a reader.

Was I the only one in the world who saw Bridgette Bornstein captioned Bridgette Jones during Tuesday’s 10 PM broadcast? While reporting on the Red Lake shootings? Classy.

Thanks, we didn't see that, since the queer didn't pay his cable bills, so now I (the intern, that is) have no television to watch.

Anyway, though....

SLANDER

Remember, it's all only partially true, meaning mostly not true at all, since it's slander...get it?

That buttmunch Mark Mallman apparently has a passion for just that: eating assholes, particularly those of small puppies. He also sucks dick (proverbally speaking, since his music blows).

"Minnesota Bound" host Ron Schara has got the fever for the flava -- of transexual Puerto Rican prostitutes!

KARE-11 weekend anchorette Amy Hockert saves her used tampons. I don't know why.

Local big fish in a small pond Josh "J-Hart" Hartnett was seen being thrown out of the T.G.I. Friday's in Plymouth for exposing himself to an eight year old girl, his half-drunk Mudslide, and his waiter.

slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Thursday, March 24, 2005

2005-03-24T00:43:00.000-06:00

Ok...so I apologize about that link that didn't work yesterday. The Strib just wouldn't let me show you that hard article about the dude printing t-shirts that say "Murderapolis." I guess it's just too clever for mass consumption.

Also, why didn't anyone send me anything? I've got nothing to write about, and so I've decided to tell you something about myself. Actually, this will kill two birds with one stone, describing me and who I want to meet. I would like to have some fun while that queer is teabagging half the Vegas Strip, and I'd also like to be able to stay here for the long term too, so that'd be good. See, my English is good enough to keep me here, right?

Items of Import

Who wants to see U2 with me?

Also, tomorrow is Slander Friday, so make up shit since no one can seem to see real shit anyway. I want good stuff on that dickweed Mark Mallman.

slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com