Friday, December 31, 2004

Decmber 31, 2004

We will bid goodbye to 2004 with our special

SPORTS EDITION FRIDAY!!!
Tips submitted by readers via slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

My friend works at an eatery downtown and claims that Mark Rosen is the worst tipper ever. We're talkin' like 1%. What an asshole.

Saw Mike Tice (Ed. Note: "Ticey" to us) at Knollwood Mall last weekend checking out the deals at the new TJ Maxx with a wife-type-figure. Get this: he was wearing a Starter jacket. Didn't know the 90's were still hitting that hard.

I saw Kent Hrbek buying fishing equipment at Gander Mountain. He was wearing a faded denim shirt and very 80's looking jeans. Where did all his money go? I should also mention that he's fat.

I was at Super America on Sunday afternoon and I saw Eric Perkins purchase 15 Red Bulls and a bag of Doritos. That guy has wayyyy too much energy as it is without carbifying with gas station delights.

We know that this next one isn't sports-related, but we're just so darn excited about it.

Garrison Keillor was standing in line in front of me at the Selby-Dale Mississippi Market on this past weekend. He seemed very uncomfortable- he stopped at one point to pick something up off the ground, but it may have just been his enormously droopy ass. (Seriously, to the point where it was creepy to be near.)

Thanks for submitting! Keep your eyes peeled for hott celebrity action tonight (seeing Ryan Seacrest on tv does NOT count) and check back on Monday for more of the good stuff. Seriously. We're like gossip-flavored crack.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

A Message to Readers

Dear Readers,

You seem to be a bit confused about our celebrity gossip reporting. All of the little blurbs are submitted by readers, which we simply cut and paste onto the site. We do not make the sightings and we really don't fact-check any of it (the only advanced degree we hold is in Sass). Therefore, anything that is in the first person about seeing Colleen Needles snorting blow or catching Fancy Ray taking a fancy dump is not from us. We do not work at a Starbucks, nor do we go to church or a health club for that matter. Fuck, we barely leave the house.

If you have any tips, in first-person or not, send them here:
slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Now we feel better.

Love,
SlanderousMinneapolis

Jeanette Trompeter: Watch Out!

December 30, 2004

Announcements

As a special present to all of you, we are compiling a SPECIAL EDITION SPORTS FRIDAY! We have a couple tips already, but have ignored them thus far, seeing that none of us here at Slanderous care about sports. But, with our homosexual genes came a love of gossip, so now we welcome it in all forms. Please send us some more sports tips. Honestly, we don’t care if a sighting happened a month ago or an hour ago; FILL US IN! Did you see Kirby Puckett molesting someone at Red Stone? Did Kirby Puckett molest you at Red Stone? Did Randy Moss throw up on your Zubaz? Did our beloved Vikings coach Ticey yell at you?

Also, we take back what we said yesterday about giving the Minneapolis Confidential guy credit. Upon closer review, his site is boring and he is most likely a hippie. The only thing we hate more than hippies is Skipper’s restaurant in Brooklyn Center, whose popcorn shrimp gave us diarrhea in 1987. Thank god they’ve been closed for fifteen years.

What were we talking about again?



Wednesday, December 29, 2004

December 29, 2004

HOLY SHIT!
A New York site cares about little ol’ us. Next thing you know, my mom’s chow mein hotdish will be on the menu at Nobu and white Keds will make it on the runway during Fashion Week. Thank you, Gawker. We love you too! We have baked a lefse in your honor (though we’ll most likely eat it ourselves in a marijuana-induced binge-fest later on tonight... sorry).

Blog Orgy

So, with our new celebrity status (we are still blushing), we have to give some obligatory shout-outs:

* This dude is from Mpls and training to overcome Minnesotan obesity and run a California marathon. Amen, brother. We'll be around making mozzy sticks in our Fry Daddy Jr. when you're ready to come back to the dark side: [Longest Mile]

* In case you get sick of reading about news anchors’ outfits and bitchy attitudes, check out this substance-based Mpls blog. It’s not nearly as fun as ours, but we give the guy credit: [Mpls Confidential]

Also, it was brought to our attention that some of our old media links don't work. Public service message: meth and coding don't mix. They should be fixed now, but let us know if things are still fucked up.

As always, comments and hott gossip go here:
slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

December 28, 2004



Holiday Update
(tips submitted via slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com)

Apparently Julie Nelson goes to my church. Saw her there on Christmas Eve for midnight mass. I have nothing bitchy to add.

Brian Oake (former Rev 105, current TPT voice) was at Rosedale the morning after Xmas, hittin’ the sales with all of us “common people.” Was with an attractive woman who didn’t look quite as much of an aging hipster as him.

Don Shelby at Galyan’s near Ridgedale. Had his daughters in tow and was looking at running shoes.

Jeff Passolt was at my Lifetime Fitness on Sunday. Dude cannot bench press worth shit.

Pat Miles was in my screening of The Life Aquatic on Christmas Day. I thought she was dead?

And now our first angry letter from a reader:

Dear Faggots,
I don’t know who you people are, but you need to get lives. Local celebrities don’t deserve to be called whores or sluts and you people are awful. This site sucks and I hope that somebody sues your ass.



Well, well… We take our first piece of hate mail very seriously and very enthusiastically because this means that we’re finally getting places. We have already thanked this wonderful reader (and told him to go fuck himself) and encourage all of our readers to do the same:

thelanefamily2001@yahoo.com

Be sure to tell him that you think Colleen Needles is a whore. He seems to like that.

Monday, December 27, 2004

December 27, 2004

Welcome back from the Xmas Holiday! This year, we asked for common decency and respect, but instead received a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse. Bloomin' Onion, anyone?

Media

For all of you who were eagerly awaiting the Star Tribune using the word "handjob" in a headline, your time has come: [Star Tribune] (okay, so we've taken some liberties with this one)

We know that you just blew all of your money on scratch-off tickets, but guess what? You still have to pay your heating bill: [Star Tribune]

Etc.

Send us your best holiday hotdish, and by that we mean awesome local celebrity gossip. Remember: first person to gawk on Jeanette Trompeter gets a special prize:

slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Bring it on.